Abundant Living

Dipping in the Murky Water

2011-07-17T08:32:00.000-07:00

If we want to grow in Christ or pursue significant change in our circumstances, often we must emerge ourselves into a difficult and murky process.

Consider a man named Naaman from the Old Testament. Naaman was a highly esteemed military commander who the Lord used to bring victory for the people of Aram. Unfortunately, the man develops leprosy.

There is evidence to show that Naaman was not a particularly good man. His wife's servant is a young Israeli girl who was apparently taken captive by raiders, which seems to give evidence that Naaman was not entirely a man of conscience. There are other parts of Naaman's story that reveal he is a very proud man.

Fortunately for Naaman, his young Israeli servant tells him of a prophet in Israel who could heal him from his leprosy. Naaman's appeal eventually goes before the King of Israel, and the prophet Elisha offers to heal him. Elisha instructs Naaman in 2 Kings 5:10 by saying:

“Go, wash yourself seven times in the Jordan, and your flesh will be restored and you will be cleansed.”

Naaman is instantly angry, saying:

“I thought that he would surely come out to me and stand and call on the name of the LORD his God, wave his hand over the spot and cure me of my leprosy. ¹² Are not Abana and Pharpar, the rivers of Damascus, better than all the waters of Israel? Couldn’t I wash in them and be cleansed?”

Naaman was hoping for a quick and clean fix to his problem. Elisha doesn't even travel to where Naaman is, but sends a servant to communicate the method by which he will be healed. Naaman wanted Elisha to honor him by traveling to where he was, and hoped that Elisha would simply waive his hand and he would be healed. Naaman's expectation was that the process would be clean, simple, and reflective of the honor he is due.

Instead Naaman must travel far from his home near Damascus and go to the Jordan River in Israel. He must make a long, seemingly unnecessary journey and humble himself by going to a river in Israeli territory. And it's not a pristine river that Elisha has told him to plunge himself into seven times. The Jordan is considered one of the slimiest rivers in the area (at top of blog, pic of Jordan River; ref. The Moody Atlas of Bible Lands by Beitzel, Barry J).

*To enlarge, click on map to open in a new window, or follow this link to the original source: http://bible.org/assets/netbible/ot5.jpg. Naaman is believed to have traveled from the northern area of this map near Damascus in Aram territory to just north of the Dead Sea in Israeli territory.

Eventually Naaman's servants convince him that there is nothing to lose by following Elisha's instructions, and so Naaman travels to the Jordan and dips himself into it seven times. The Bible tells us that Naaman's skin is restored to the condition of a young boy.

This story causes me to think about my own life and some of the difficult and murky paths I see coming in my future. As I consider whether I will make some major changes in my career and relationships, I look into the future and worry about the weaknesses and sin I will likely need to address along the way. I quickly get overwhelmed by all the difficult circumstances that I could foresee coming up. And yet, I know that with the strength of the Lord I want to make a change.

Sometimes we may find that our close relationships have journeyed into a dessert. We didn't really see the problems coming, but now it is clear that intimacy has broken down and restoration is necessary. Or, sometimes we are living a comfortable life and God is calling us to leave that comfortable life for another mission. Whatever the reason, there are many times in our lives when God is asking us to make a change that will require a journey that could be long and difficult.

I often wish that God would come to me as I sit on my couch reading the Bible, and that He would wave His mighty hand, and change would happen in an instant. The story of Naaman, however, reminds me that I must be willing to accept that the journey to significant change will require dipping into some murky water. Change may not be a particularly complicated task, but it will require accepting uncertainty and choosing to fight the battle to get where we think God is leading us.

I for one would rather live an adventurous and honest life than one that is comfortable but shadowed by a guilty conscience. We will have to live with persistent uneasiness if we stand still when God is asking us to move forward.

For Naaman, he is not only healed after following Elisha's instructions, he also becomes a believer in the God of Israel. He becomes a worshiper and follower of Yahweh. We too can anticipate that when we set out to follow the Lord despite difficulty and uncertainty, at the end of that journey we will know and worship Him more deeply. I also trust that God will not abandon us in our journey, but will stay near to help us grow toward what He is calling us to.

The Greatest Challenge

2011-05-19T18:14:00.000-07:00

When I think about the greatest challenges for me while on a mission trip, I think about issues of personal character.

Yesterday, I read from Philippians 4:2-7:
"I plead with Euodia and I plead with Syntyche to agree with each other in the Lord. Yes, and I ask you, loyal yokefellow, help these women who have contended at my side in the cause of the gospel, along with Clement and the rest of my fellow workers, who names are in the book of life."

Today, I read from James 1:19-20:
"My dear brothers; take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires."

It is a good thing that God has got my back when I go on these trips. Nearly every passage I've read since leaving the US seems to be about patience and righteous character.

Mission trips are a bit disorienting. Even though I have been to Japan seven times, guiding our team around Tokyo and frequently translating can create in me a certain degree of tiredness and impatience. I can easily slip into judgment of others and a short temper.

It would seem that Satan's greatest offensive weapon against the Gospel is disunity among those serving God. It is such an important truth for me to constantly remember. I should expect that I will be tempted to sin against my brothers and sisters. I should expect that Satan would love me to be irritated and discouraging toward others.

Thank God, though, that His word helps us walk in righteousness and watch out for the Devil's schemes to hold back the Gospel. So much is at stake! The Gospel is worth every ounce of energy to maintain unity and righteous character.

Failure is an Option

2011-04-10T08:58:00.000-07:00

Every so often, I spend focused time thinking about my future. Most recently, I have spent significant time considering a career as an overseas missionary. As I have thought about this possibility, I find myself encountering a lot of fears.

I would characterize myself as a fairly emotional person. I have had times in my life when I felt overwhelmed by sadness or anxiety. During those times, I worried that the strength of my emotions threatened my ability to succeed in key relationships and in ministry. When I am in a broken place, I fear that my emotions will overwhelm friends and they will walk away. As someone who wants to be an overseas missionary, I fear that my sensitivity will disqualify me for a vocation seemingly done best by those who are extremely flexible and stable.

So, as I look to the future, I see high potential for failure.

It occurred to me last week that I haven't really sought the Lord much recently. I have spent quality time reading the Word and praying, but the busyness of the semester has kept me from looking at God and waiting to hear if He has anything to say to me. Troubled by these fears I just mentioned, I sat down this past Friday morning to seek God and see if He had anything in particular to say to me. I ended up reading from Psalm 27:4-6:

"One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple.

For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle and set me high upon a rock.

Then my head will be exalted above the enemies who surround me; at his tabernacle will I sacrifice with shouts of joy; I will sing and make music to the Lord."

When I read these verses, I was really moved. I was reminded that really my greatest desire in life is to know the love God has for me. I long to see God's beauty. I long to be near Him and to know the unfailing love and care He shows His children.

These verses brought me back to some important questions. What if I do fail? What if I ever have an emotional breakdown? What will happen if my relationships and job are jeopardized by my sensitivity?

I realized that if my greatest hope and goal is to know God more fully and to dwell in His presence, there will be no time of true failure. When I look back at difficult times in my past, they were all incredibly successful at drawing me closer to God. I walked out of those times filled with an incredibly deeper knowledge of God's love, justice and mercy. If my greatest desire in life is to know God, these past times of seeming failure were a massive success.

Another hope I found in this verse is that the scripture talks about God exalting us. It occurred to me that during previous times of great difficulty, I have always emerged better suited for ministry. After all, ministry is all about showcasing God. When difficulty leads me to a deeper understanding of God, the work I do in ministry cannot help but be more fruitful. In a sense, I should be more marketable as a missionary each time I encounter failure, because that failure leads me deeper into relationship with God.

In all, it is comforting to know that not only is failure an option, but it's actually a really good option. This is not to say that we justify our sin as an opportunity to know God better. It also doesn't mean that times of failure will feel blissful. But, if we seek God whole-heartedly, and we are repentant for our sin, we can be confident that there is no true failure in failure. When we fall, we achieve the greatest victory of dwelling in the house of the Lord and gazing upon His beauty.

The Center of Change

2011-04-03T12:02:00.000-07:00

Part of my job in campus ministry is to coach and train people. Most of the people I train are students between the age of 18 and 23. Recently I began to feel quite inadequate in the many meetings I have each week. It seemed that I was running into walls with nearly every person I was meeting with. I couldn't find the words that seemed adequate for motivating them to move forward.

There are people in my life that I view as incredible mentors, counselors and coaches. It seems that whenever someone spends time with these mentors, the person seeking help walks away forever changed. The advice is gripping and transforming. I have always wanted to be one of these mentors who people long to spend time with because I love and motivate them in drastic ways.

There are times when I meet with people and they exuberantly praise me for how well I listened and counseled them. But the walls I have run into recently have reminded me of some important truths.

It is not bad to want to shine. It is not wrong to desire to impact people's lives. At some point, however, an overemphasis on our own gift to move people forward can become self-centered rather than God-centered. It is easy to forget that coaching and mentoring people is not primarily about my influence, it is about God's work in their life.

I recently read Philippians 1:3-6:

"I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

One thing I noticed about this passage is that Paul was writing to Christians who are serving in the gospel. I too spend signficant time coaching people who are actively serving in the church. Paul communicates his confidence in God's ability to work in and through the Philippians. Though Paul spent the rest of his letter instructing and teaching them, he seems to realize that he is not the one carrying out the work of God in them.

God is at work in people's lives. God has also given people choice. Additionally, people do not change overnight. I can effort to be a force of change in people's lives, but God and people have a will and mind of their own. I am missing the spiritual growth equation if I think that I am at the center of change in people's lives.

Ultimately, it is comforting to know that even if people don't move forward in the way I perceive they should, it doesn't mean I didn't say the right thing or encourage them in the right direction. They have a choice and God's wisdom trumps my own. It is easy too to become impatient with people when they do not change quickly. It is important to remind myself daily that God is at work in their lives and He will carry out to completion the great work He has begun in them.

God is at the center of their change.

President Obama's Words to Japan

2011-03-24T15:21:00.001-07:00

In a condolence book at the Japanese Embassy, President Obama wrote these words regarding the earthquake and tsunami of March 11th, 2011:

"Because of the strength and wisdom of its people, we know that Japan will recover, and indeed will emerge stronger than ever."

(image & quote from NYT, March 17th, 2011)

The recent disasters in Japan have put the many strengths of the Japanese people on full display. Was there ever an incident like this where no looting or violence broke out? It is inspiring to watch the patience of the Japanese people during this disaster. People are standing in perfectly formed lines for hours to get water and food. Drivers wait for hours to get fuel without honking, yelling or flicking each other off. News programs have highlighted the countless Japanese people who have lost spouses, children, grandchildren, and friends. And yet, there is a distinct calm and conscientiousness that remains, as though selfishness and hatred were not an alternative.

Like the nicely dressed, quiet, proper girl who everyone snickered at in junior high, sometimes we can devalue the calm and collected culture of Japan. Sometimes we find repose odd and even unattractive. But what might sometimes come across as cold and distant, now for Japan shows as strength and patience.

There is a word in Japanese, gamansuru, that means "to bear under" or "to endure." Linguists will tell you that the most commonly used words in a language provide the deepest insights into the culture. Gamansuru is a very commonly used word in Japanese. Before this week, I don't know that I had ever deeply considered the word's cultural implications. This last week and a half, however, has reminded me that Japan has endured a lot throughout its history, and their experience in perseverance has prepared them to face this new trial.

Obama's words are so appropriate. If there was ever a country that I was confident could rebuild and "emerge stronger than ever," it would be Japan. Let's continue to pray that God will comfort and protect those who have lost so much through this disaster. I pray that in their great human strength they do not miss an opportunity to seek and find the great message of Christ's death on our behalf.

I was reminded today that cherry blossom trees are beginning to bloom right now in Japan. Cherry Blossoms are one of the iconic symbols of Japan. In literature and poetry, the cherry blossom is a symbol of things that are beautiful but fleeting. The petals of the cherry blossom last little more than one week. The small, intricate blossoms represent the beauty and fragility of life. This symbol is yet another reminder of the deep wisdom of Japan. It is also a symbol I hope Japanese people can use to help themselves heal during this trying time.

Wasting Away

2010-08-26T13:20:00.001-07:00

Everything in my life is wasting away!

The last few days I have been lamenting my allergies. For two straight years, I had a sport's injury that caused limited but persistent pain. After some physical therapy last Spring, the injury is almost entirely painless. But just as that injury was healing, I developed allergies that I have never had in my life. The allergies basically lead to symptoms similar to ashthma. It can feel like my body is constantly broken in some way.

On a similar note, I have been lamenting how the material things I own always seem to require attention. Just this morning, one of my blinds for my 75x45in windows broke and probably needs to be replaced. Another thing on my to-do list! It seems that you fix one problem and another creeps in.

Probably one of my greatest laments concerns my emotional sensitivity. I am a person who is easily hurt and easily irritated. If someone says something rude, it seems like 50% of people wouldn't notice. Of the 50% who notice, it seems that another 50% wouldn't care. I am in the minority that notices and cares. Along with this, I have a predisposition for worry. Sometimes that worry has physical symptoms. I can worry that my personality and ministry are causing long term damage to my health.

Today I was reading from 2 Corinthians 4:16-18:
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

One of the things that struck me from this verse is that I should expect my body to be wasting away. I should expect troubles. Seems obvious, right? In essence, this verse is saying, "Life will be hard. It will chip away at you emotionally and physically. But keep in mind that it will be worth it when you see what God has done through you, and when you find rest in your eternal home." It's interesting how much less anxiety I feel when I recognize that in this life I will have anxiety and that it will wear on my body and mind.

Nothing in the world is stable. Things are always breaking. Our bodies are breaking. Our things are breaking. Our character is breaking. Everything is wasting away to some degree. Hope is found in knowing that we are staying tight to God and that we are trying to serve Him the best we know how. We can know that our temporary troubles are producing an eternal harvest both for those we serve and for ourselves.

*Photo taken by Jonathan King

Inhaling the Wind

2010-08-01T19:36:00.000-07:00

I often wish that life could be free of heartache.

One day this past Spring I went running on a road near my house that heads south toward farmland. I have to be careful which days I choose to run this road. When running south away from campus the wind gets stronger as the buildings end and the farmlands begin. Wind sweeps through Central Illinois with nothing but bowing corn to stop it.

Newscasts claimed that this past Spring was one of the worst allergy seasons on record. This was the first year I ever remember having allergies in the Spring. Last winter the snow was heavy and then the temperatures warmed suddenly. All of nature jumped into growth. As the trees and plants grew with haste, I started having trouble breathing. I had a particularly difficult time when running.

As I set off for my run toward the south farmlands, the winds began to pick up. My allergies were probably nothing compared to someone who has asthma, nevertheless I struggled a bit to breathe deeply. The wind coming at me was tiring.

The best part of running on this particular road is usually the way back. The wind is almost always coming out of the south. This time, however, the run back was particularly difficult despite the wind being behind me. I found that the wind in my face had actually helped me breathe more deeply. Without that wind, it was more difficult to breathe oxygen into my lungs.

Running and gardening: these are two of the greatest sources of spiritual understanding in the natural world. As I ran away from the wind, I thought about how resistance in our life creates a need to breathe in the comfort of God. The wind is more difficullt to run into, but it also makes it easier to breathe in. If life did not offer any resistance, we would by consequence not need to breathe in the comfort and hope of God.

For me, the richest moments of my life have come when I caught just a glimpse of the depth of God's love and care for me. All of these moments happened in the midst of pain and difficulty. They all happened because I faced a time of difficulty and I looked to God for comfort. If there had been no difficulty, I would not have sought God. If there had been no resistance, I would not have experienced some of the richest of life's understandings.

I still wish that I would not stumble upon heartache, and yet the glimpses of God are so filling.

Grandmother

2010-06-13T20:57:00.000-07:00

It is a sad day as my family mourns the loss of my Grandmother on Father’s Day. For the last several years, it seemed that she could pass away at any time. Nurses tell us that she passed away in her sleep.

My Grandmother was a very important person in my life. Though life circumstances have created greater separation since I left home for college, she will always remain one of the most important people in my life. It is sad not to honor her by being at her funeral. I hope that now in heaven she has a perfect understanding of my inability to be at her funeral because of doing missions in Japan. She has been sick for a long time, so it is sad that the timing has come now while I am unable to be there. There are so few times when I would be in a situation where I could not be present.

I do offer honor to her. As grandchildren, we don’t see the whole of someone’s life. We see them only in their later years after they have recovered from many mistakes and have found a greater security in themselves. It was a great blessing for me to be with my Grandmother during a time when she had already passed through so many difficulties in life. She had a steadiness and confidence to her. She lived a simple life, wearing no jewelry and always having a humble home, but her spirit always carried a great confidence. She modeled for me that our confidence must come from something other than how we look and what we own. I believe she found her confidence in God and in living a life that cared for others.

My Grandmother was unwavering in her loyalty to my Grandfather who spent years incapacitated by Alzheimer’s. I believe that godly character is developed best in a child when it is modeled for them. I spent every weekend of my childhood with my Grandmother watching her be unwavering, and it was a great honor to join her in the care-giving of my Grandfather. I may never know what I would have lost in character had I not watched my Grandmother’s loyalty to my Grandfather, and seen her generosity to all of the elderly people in her life.

She was a great source of love for me, and I believe her love and caring will be something that keeps her memory alive.

If you wish to pray with me… I pray my family will feel God’s presence as they grieve. I pray that my absence will not make it more difficult to bear. I pray for my Father that God will show him love as he grieves the loss of his Mother. I pray that God will give my Father strength as he must do the sad work of settling her possessions and finances. It would have been so important to my Grandmother for me to be at her funeral, so I pray that she understands.

Wild Transformation

2010-05-29T09:16:00.000-07:00

In only a week I will be heading to Japan for a two month mission trip. The details are falling into place. I've bought most of the gifts I need to take. I've figured out how to turn my wardrobe into business casual so that I look a little more professional. I've stopped eating Japanese food because I know more authentic dishes are coming soon.

In addition to all the usual prep, I have tried to spend time in prayer about my trip. Around Christmas of this last year, I was convicted about how much more time I spend worrying than praying. At that particular time, I was spending a lot of time worrying about how things will work out for my vision to be in Japan as a full-time missionary. I felt convicted about my worry and committed to praying at every quiet time for Japan and for God's plan for me in Japan.

Today as I spent time praying and reading, I was using the devotional Our Daily Bread. The passage for today was really inspiring for how I can think about the spiritual condition of Japan. The passage is from Acts 9:1-22 and it is about Saul's conversion. It reads:

Meanwhile, Saul was still breathing out murderous threats against the Lords disciples... As he neared Damascus on his journey, suddenly a light from heaven flashed around him. He fell to the ground and heard a voice say to him, "Saul, Saul, why do you persecute me?" "Who are you Lord?" Saul asked. "I am Jesus, whom you are persecuting," he replied. "Now get up and go into the city, and you will be told what you must do"...

After this exchange with God, Paul is blinded and led by his travel companions to a man named Ananias who lived in Damascus.

In Damascus there was a disciple named Ananias. The Lord called to him in a vision, "Ananias!"...Go! This man [Saul] is my chosen instrument to carry my name before the Gentiles and their kings and before the people of Israel. I will show him how much he must suffer for my name."

After Saul meets with Ananias and something like scales fall from Saul's eyes, his vision is restored and he goes on to be baptized. Soon after, he begins preaching in the synangogues that Jesus is the Son of God.

What a powerful transformation! Saul goes from a man who desires to murder Christians to a man who would become one of the most influential disciples the world has ever known.

This passage caused me to think about the spiritual condition of Japan. Less than 1% of the Japanese population call themselves Christians. Japan is known to be one of the most difficult countries for mission work. Faith in Christ and missionary work is completely legal, but the people of Japan are extremely unrespondent to the message of Christ.

I pray in anticipation that God, like with Paul, will bring about a wild transformation in Japan. No place or person is beyond God's reach. Every person has a choice, but God can radically intervene when He chooses.

I desire radical change in the spiritual condition of Japan. It seems so unlikely. Japanese people are incredibly busy and often work on Sunday when church services occur. Also, they have religious traditions that keep them from feeling a total spiritual void. For most Japanese, preservation of Japanese traditional religion is very important, and Christianity is viewed as Western. Additionally, many Christians do not actively share their faith because Japanese culture is often very private.

There are so many barriers to a spiritual reformation in Japan. I have to believe, though, that God is fully capable of transforming an entire culture. Since I was a sophomore in college, I have often prayed that over 50% of the Japanese population would believe in Christ before His return. The idea seems far-fetched. But Paul's conversion seemed just as impossible.

This example of radical transformation extends not only to whole countries but also to the people in our lives who we hope will come to know Christ. We can never give up hope that they can come to know Him. Paul's wild transformation reminds us that God can change the course of someone's life in an instant.

------- Random tidbits:

*A note on gift giving in Japan. It is a cultural tradition to give gifts to hosts and friends you meet in Japan. The gifts do not need to be large, though I tend to show great generosity to those who I anticipate will show great generosity to me. To get a taste (pic above), this year I am taking 3 recent worship music cds, two women's devotional books, about 10 small packets of my favorite chai mix, some decaf Starbucks coffee (beans and the new instant variety), Vegi-tales DVDs, English learning games (i.e. Memory and Uno), party decorations, and Bath&Body hand soaps (always a big hit).

*Getting dressy. You might find it kind of lame but impressive that I took a picture of every outfit I am planning to wear. I dress up so little that I don't really have any pairings in my mind. I also want to bring as effecient of a wardrobe as possible to conserve space. So, I took a picture of every outfit (about 10 total) including jewelry and I'll keep them on my laptop so I can remember what goes with what. You're probably only a little jealous you're not as organizational as me.

Eat Your Vegetables

2010-05-23T11:10:00.000-07:00

I am a little ashamed to say that the last time I read entirely through the Old Testament was when I was a sophomore in college. At that point in my life, I knew that it was important for me to be familiar with everything in the Bible. I was interacting a lot with non-Christians in the dorm where I was living. People would often say, "In the Bible, it says..." I realized I had no ability to confirm or disconfirm whether what they were saying was true. It seemed important that I could respond if I was to be an advocate for Christ.

Often when I hear Christians say, "I've decided to read through the Old Testament," I watch as the people around them offer empathetic words. "Good for you," they'll say, but their tone is 'good luck with that.' Even those who have never read the Old Testament all the way through can lament about how boring books like Leviticus and Numbers can be.

I am one of those people who feels a certain amount of empathy whenever I hear someone is reading straight through the Old Testament. There are some really tedious parts. There are some confusing parts. There are some really repetitive parts (Numbers 7 is one of my favorite examples). But, all in all, I understand the importance of us reading each and every word of the Bible.

Around Christmas time, I felt a sense of conviction that I needed to reread the entire Old Testament. It had been so long that it seemed there would be a lot of things that I would read freshly.

So, around January, I accepted the arduous task of reading through the Old Testament. I'm not one of those people who uses a normal plan. I just read as much as I can whenever I can. I do keep a list of every book of the Bible in the back of my journal so that I can have some sense of accomplishment as I check them off one-by-one.

This second time around I really have learned a lot of new things. I am just now finishing Numbers, and even the most tedious books have little tidbits along the way that have been helpful for forming a fuller understanding of God. It was helpful to see that large sections of The Law are about practical things like disease-control and dealing with disputes. The Law was not as harsh and impractical as I had remembered.

This second time around I have also learned a lot about how engaged God is with His people. Over the last year, I have been struggling with whether God is involved in my daily life. Though God's method of interacting with us is different now than in Old Testament times, the books of the Old Testament deeply reveal God's heart to be in an intimate relationship with us. Most of the time, it is not one verse that reminds me, "God is involved." Rather, it is reading story after story where God is involved. The sheer number of stories adds even greater credence to God's involvement in our lives than any one verse from the New Testament that tells us this directly.

I concede that I am not moving very fast in my reading. I started in January and have only now reached Deuteronomy. During a recent retreat, I prayed that God would show me how to spend this time of fasting and solitude. I felt a nudge to spend focused time continuing my reading of the Old Testament. There's no easier time to read through the OT then when you're bored during two days of silence and solitude. Since that retreat at the end of April, I have picked up my pace.

Summer really seems like an ideal time for many of us to read through the Old Testament. It feels like one of those exercises that benefits from having more extended time to read. Summer is often a lot slower than January when many people set there New Year's resolutions.

I hope that many of us will accept the challenge of regularly reading the Old Testament all the way through. There is so much to gain in our understanding of God and in being able to answer difficult questions from other Christians and non-Christians.

Eat your vegetables. You might even find that you will enjoy them and the health benefits they provide.

Calling All Atheists to the Peony Garden

2010-05-14T19:35:00.000-07:00

Photos by Stacey Lovett, taken at Allerton Park in Monticello, IL

Living Together in His Absence

2010-05-09T10:11:00.000-07:00

Today I was reading a scripture from a devotional guide called Our Daily Bread. The passage was from John 19:25-30. This is the passage where Jesus takes his last breath on the cross and cries out, "It is finished."

I had never paid much attention to the words of Jesus right before he says, "It is finished." In the preceding verses (25-27), I noticed a moving exchange between Jesus, his mother, and the disciple John.

The verses read:
"Near the cross of Jesus stood his mother, his mother's sister, Mary the wife of Clopas, and Mary Magdalene. When Jesus saw his mother there, and the disciple whom he loved standing nearby, he said to his mother. 'Dear woman, here is your son,' and to the disciple, 'Here is your mother' From that time on, this disciple took her into his home."

It is moving to me that Jesus saw the need of His mother, even in the greatest hour of His own pain. He understands the gap that He is leaving behind in her life. Even though He will be with her in spirit, He is not naive that His physical absence will create a great sadness and aloneness for her. He seeks to provide her with someone who can alleviate the loneliness that His death creates.

Decent From the Cross by Rubens

I think many of us struggle with feeling alone, particularly if our family relationships are strained. It can seem that we should find complete peace of mind in knowing that Jesus is with us through the Holy Spirit. I would assume that I should feel no emptiness from Christ's physical absence. The spiritual answer seems to be faith and trust that God is all we need.

I believe it is true that only God can provide all we need. Certainly humans are human and they will fail us in many ways. It is interesting, though, that Jesus cares for the relational needs of His Mother. He knows that an undeniable gap will be left by His absence. To alleviate this aloneness, Jesus calls John to care for His Mother as though they were a parent and child.

It is helpful for me to see the compassionate understanding of Jesus in this passage. He anticipates that I (like Mary) will have human needs because of His physical absence. Even when God was fully present in the garden, God says, "It is not good for the man to be alone" (Gen 2:18a).

Jesus feels compassion toward our need to be cared for by others who are physically present with us. If His compassion is real, I have to believe that He most often intends to help meet this need. I am thankful that we can pray confidently for friends and helpers who can help us manage the difficulty of living in the absence of Christ.

The Inchworm

2010-05-02T12:20:00.000-07:00

I just returned from a program called Women's Wilderness. It is a backpacking trip that I lead for women who are leaders in their church. It's a time of solitude and fasting that takes place in the wilderness of the Smoky Mountains.

This year I went into this trip with limited energy. I had crammed the month of April with far too many things. I had a feeling that the minute we settled into our campsite I would just lay in my tent for the full two days of solitude. I couldn't even imagine myself reading the Word or going for a little hike. There were so many thoughts in my head that needed to be calmed.

My first morning of solitude, I woke up to an array of bugs crawling on my tent. The bug that most caught my eye was a little worm that slowly inched itself along the lining of my tent (thankfully, on the outside). It occurred to me that this must be an inchworm. Evertime the worm moved itself along, it traveled approximately an inch. I was caught by how slow the inchworm was moving, especially as compared to the flies and other bugs that were buzzing quickly past it.

It is interesting how God makes some things in creation so much slower than others. Take, for example, how different cultures move at different speeds. If you compare Japan and Latin America, there is an incredible difference in the pace at which people live. With bugs too, some are incredibly fast while others chug along.

As I watched the inchworm move across my tent, I sensed a nudge from God that I needed to slow down the pace of my life. The inchworm still moves forward. It doesn't come to a complete stop. Neither should I. Right now I can't stop altogether, but I can certainly take some time to slow down.

I don't think that God is calling me to be an inchworm at every season of life, but it would seem that similar to the Sabbath, there are seasons where He calls us to rest. As I look toward a full summer in Japan, I am reminded how I want to be at my best while I am there. The work I'll be doing will be exhausting and intense. I don't want to go into the trip with an empty tank.

In summary, the inchworm on my tent was a great reminder from God that sometimes we need to humbly simplify our lives. We need to slow our pace for a season of reflection and refreshment. I pray I'll have the discipline and wisdom to be more like an inchworm in the coming month.

"Nibbled but Unbroken"

2010-03-16T09:28:00.000-07:00

"Nibbled but Unbroken." These are the words of Annie Dillard in her Pulitzer Prize winning book, Pilgrim at Tinker Creek.

I have recently been preparing for a teaching on the topic of Slander. Slander is a word we rarely use anymore. We more typically use words such as Gossip, Meanness, or Disrespect. Slander is a word that I believe captures all of these. Websters defines slander as, "a malicious, false, and defamatory statement or report." I think we are all more guilty of slander than we realize. Slander is any statement that presents someone in an exaggerated or disrespectful light. It is usually a statement that is entirely unnecessary for the parties to which it is disclosed. The intent is nearly always to bite at someone else in order to help oneself in some indirect way.

During the past week, I have been reading a chapter from Dillard's book entitled, "The Horns of the Altar." In it, I found some powerful analogies to slander. The chapter is about the parasitic nature of the natural world. Dillard was awestruck at the degree to which nature is constantly feeding on each other. In nearly every animal, there is a bacteria or bug that is feeding on it.

Let us take deer flies as an example. Consider this description of deer flies from Wikipedia:

Deer flies can be pests to cattle, horses, and humans. While female deer flies feed on blood, males instead collect pollen. When feeding, females use knife-like mandibles and maxillae to make a cross-shaped incision and then lap up the blood. Their bite can be extremely painful, and resulting allergic reaction from the saliva of the fly can result in further discomfort and health concerns. They lay clusters of shiny black eggs on the leaves of small plants by water. The aquatic larvae feed on small insects and pupate in the mud at the edge of the water.

I don't know if you have ever been bitten by a deer fly. I have. It is quite painful. And more annoying than the pain of one bite, there are usually many deer fly in one place. So, typically, you will be bit over and over again until you run back inside for shelter.

Several years ago, I stayed in a cabin in Durango, CO. The first morning I was there, the weather was beautiful. I set out for a walk on the vast land the cabin was situated on. There was a lake on the property, and there were various benches around the lake where you could sit and meditate. As I walked the edge of the lake, I noticed the presence of flies. When I sat down on one of the benches to soak in the scene, I was quickly bit by my first deer fly. It was surprisingly painful. Within seconds the calm scene was ruined by my constant slapping at my legs to fend off deer flies. Within minutes, I headed back to the cabin for safety. Even as I write, I feel a sting on my arm as my subconscious reenacts the memorably painful bite.

Why does the fly bite? Why do lice find a home in the wing of a bird? Why do worms make their way into the bellies of rabbits? The reason is because they must bite and feed on others in order to assure their own survival.

It would seem that as humans we have this same perceived need to bite others in order to preserve our own lives. Why else do we slander? Why else do we reveal secrets told in confidence? Why else do we make jokes of others?

"The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks," records Luke 6:45.

It is so easy for us to dismiss our disrespectful words as joking or jest. Often we do not even identify our words about others as disrespectful. We must attune our hearts to our own intentions. When we report to others about someones' weaknesses (i.e. "Bob is so meticulous," said with a sneer), it is rarely for a good purpose.

I was thinking recently about the reasons that we slander others. I discovered in my own heart three reasons: insecurity, hurt that has been undealt with, and entertainment. I may slander someone I work with because it makes me feel more secure in my abilities and talents. I may slander someone who has hurt me because my anger has not been dealt with and is coming out indirectly. I may slander someone for entertainment because I wish to be seen as clever or funny. These are all a great sin!

If I told you that I slandered you yesterday, how would you feel?

We need to realize the extent to which we nibble on others to feed our own need. We must be sobered that this is of great disrespect to the other person. We must see that it is a great disrespect to God who made and values all. We must know that the need we selfishly seek to meet through slander is found in the unearned favor of Christ.

The good news for those that are bitten is that most of the natural world continues on despite being bitten and nibbled on. In fact, nature flows in rhythm partly because of the bites. Often the bites draw us to God and allow God to make us more whole than we knew we needed. "Nibbled but unbroken." Nibbled but not utterly destroyed. Nibbled but not beyond healing.

How Wide the Evidences

2010-03-14T10:38:00.000-07:00

If there are two key characteristics that I hunger for most in my relationships it is attentiveness and comfort. I regularly seek God to find the attention and comfort that I desire. If I do not sense these characteristics from God, it is very painful for me and my world feels rocked in some way.

It is hard for most of us to hold onto a trust that God embodies the very things we need most. There must be some form of spiritual attack constantly at work around us trying to sabotage our confidence.

Today I was reading from Romans 8:12-17:

Therefore, brothers, we have an obligation - but it is not to the sinful nature, to live according to it. For if you live according to the sinful nature, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live, because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father." The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs - heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.

The beginning verses of this passage were very convicting. There are sins in my life that I am hanging onto. This verse was a great reminder that it is on the basis of our sonship that we can let go of our sin in full trust that God has our good in mind. He is our Father, and He desires all good things for us. So, when He warns us to put to death the misdeeds of the body, He is asking us to trust Him more than our own wisdom. He commands us to stop gratifying our fleshly desires and ignoring His warnings that our flesh can enslave us.

Moving on, I was freshly struck in this passage by the insistent reminders that God is our Father and we are His children.

Last night, a visiting teacher spoke at our church service. He taught from Malachi 1, telling the story of the Israelites' doubt in God's love for them. Malachi 1 starts with, "'I have loved you,' says the Lord." The Israelites reply back, "How have you loved us?" The Israelites look around at their circumstances and come to the conclusion that God neither loves them nor favors them. In their minds, it is as though God has drifted away from them.

The Israelites' struggle is a classic one. It is so incredibly hard to hold onto the love of God, perhaps because we have only experienced imperfect love here on earth.

But we cannot ignore that the Bible is packed with evidences of God's love. Certainly, the cross is the greatest statement of His love. The fact that He calls us sons and daughters also implies that God is deeply invested in us. We cry to him, "Abba, Father." What Father forgets his child and walks away? In actuality, there are many fathers that walk away. But God is the definition of all we hunger for in a Father. In fact, our own hunger is a guide to grasping what it means that God is our perfect Father.

Sons. Daughters. Children. Heirs.

God does not walk away from us. In the Old Testament, we see that even when God has every justification for walking away, He does not. Even when God seems to communicate a desire to walk away, He does not. In fact, He not only doesn't walk away but makes an even greater step toward us in the sacrifice of His son.

O how wide the evidence of God's love and attentiveness toward us!

What Would God Have Us Eat?

2010-02-28T10:16:00.000-08:00

Last night I watched a sobering documentary called Food, Inc. The film is about how our food is produced and processed. A non-hippie friend of mine had seen it and changed the entire way her and her husband eat. As a somewhat-hippie, I am already very conscious about the quality of what I eat. After seeing the changes in my friend's life, I was intrigued to see if this documentary would just confirm my current eating habits or if it would turn me into a full blown hippie (of course, I use the word hippie in jest).

This friend of mine is a Christian, and she sensed that God Himself was leading her to make radical changes in eating organic and non-processed foods. Her conviction got me thinking about whether God really cares if humans produce genetically modify food.

Does God have any particular aversion to a blue box of macaroni and cheese?

Upon initial consideration, I doubted that it mattered to God whether we cram chickens into coops that are entirely closed-off from light. Do our chickens really need to roam around in order for them to be suitable for eating? Sure it's a little unnatural, but probably not enough to warrant God's intervention.

I have been reading through the Old Testament recently. Currently, I am reading the book of Leviticus which is notorious for being a tedious read. Much of it is a record of God's Law to the Israelites. As boring as the book can be, I have been struck afresh by how much of the Law deals with the protection of our physical bodies. Laws about bacteria and disease take up a huge part of the instruction of Leviticus.

Today I read Leviticus 19:19-22, 23-26:
¹⁹ " 'Keep my decrees. " 'Do not mate different kinds of animals. " 'Do not plant your field with two kinds of seed. " 'Do not wear clothing woven of two kinds of material..."²³ " 'When you enter the land and plant any kind of fruit tree, regard its fruit as forbidden. For three years you are to consider it forbidden ; it must not be eaten. ²⁴ In the fourth year all its fruit will be holy, an offering of praise to the LORD. ²⁵ But in the fifth year you may eat its fruit. In this way your harvest will be increased. I am the LORD your God. ²⁶ " 'Do not eat any meat with the blood still in it.

I found this passage potentially relevant to the question at hand, particularly verses 23 through 25. A key segment of Food, Inc revealed that in recent years chickens have been genetically modified to grow faster and bigger. Many of the chickens grow so quickly that there bones do not even have time to fully develop. So most of them cannot even walk more than a couple steps without falling over. Normally, chickens would be ready to harvest after 70 days of growth. Now, through genetic engineering, they only take 48 days and their breast meat is twice as large (source, Food, Inc).

It is not necessarily a direct parallel, but this procedure of shortening the growth period of chickens seems similar to God's command to let a fruit tree sit for four years before eating it's fruit. What reason does God give for the wait? "In this way your harvest will be increased." God seems to provide direction that coincides with how nature works best. In this case, waiting is key. Is it worth consideration whether our lack of waiting for the normal growth of chickens will have significant repercussions on the long term effects of our health?

Along with basic instructions about seeds and harvesting, God's Law in Leviticus also places significant attention on issues related to bacteria. Detailed instructions are given to protect the community from the spread of diseases such as skin sores and bodily discharges (See chapters 11-15, 17, 19).

There are many examples of how our current food production is causing drastic health problems related to bacteria. The condition of meat-producing farms and slaughter houses has led to the outbreak of many new bacterias and viruses. And to solve this problem, the animals are fed antibiotics, which then has a significant long term effect when consumed by humans. Diabetes too is largely the product of our carbohydrate-based, processed diets.

Could it be that God would begin moving Christians to join the hippies in leading the way toward healthier food? At the end of the day, the stores will sell what consumers want. Every time we buy organic, we communicate to our local super market that organic is what we want. It's expensive now, but we can only hope that it will become cheaper as consumers change what they buy.

My thoughts here are not so much a campaign for eating organics. This is just the beginning of a conversation that seems worthwhile for Christians to have. Rather than Christians seeing this issue as another platform of "Left-wing Tree Huggers," maybe we can sincerely ask ourselves, "What would God have us eat?"

www.takepart.com
www.eatingwell.com

The Millenial Generation

2010-02-24T16:51:00.000-08:00

I am a big fan of the PBS Newshour. On tonight's broadcast, they highlighted new research by the Pew Research Center. This research looks at young people aged 18 to 29 years. I thought I would pass on the link for those who are interested. The research looks at topics like political optimism, race changes, economic perspectives, and religious activity.

The Research project is entitled, "The Millenials: Confident. Connected. Open to Change."

A Story Told Over and Over

2010-02-07T09:12:00.000-08:00

It has been nearly a week since I spent time praying and reading. Time flies by, and I didn't even realize that I had missed time with God until I looked at my journal and saw that the last entry was almost a week ago.

In general I spend my life doing pretty worthwhile things. I spend time caring for people, listening to their needs, giving input... My life feels very purposeful.

It is hard to grasp why spending time with God is more important than serving Him. I'm not aware of being more sinful and impatient when I don't spend time with God. I'm not sure what my life loses when I don't spend time with Him. Of course, perhaps that's because I don't know what I would have gained if I had.

Today, I reread the story of Mary & Martha from Luke 10:39-41. It was a timely reminder from a gracious God.

*artwork is Mary & Martha by Chinese artist, He Qi

The story of Mary & Martha is classic. Nearly every Christian has heard it at least twenty times. You would think that the story would get old and that we wouldn't hear anything fresh from it. It's interesting, though, that I have never heard the story of Martha & Mary without being reminded to refocus energy on spending time with God. I always need this retold story.

Jesus says to Martha, "Martha, Martha, you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her."

I attended a Japanese Christian conference about six months ago. One of the pastors taught on this passage from Luke. It was interesting hearing a Japanese perspective on this timeless story. The pastor explained how Mary & Martha were probably under strong social pressure to be great hosts. In Japan, there is a high value placed on good hosts. There is a cultural expectation that the host will be working hard to please their guests. The pastor brought alive the true pressure that Mary chose to override. She chose something that was counter-cultural, something that could bring her shame. Mary took a very big chance, and Jesus says of her, "Mary has chosen what is better."

It is hard to hold on to the idea that spending time with God is so valuable. It is hard to believe that so much is achieved by sitting on a chair for an hour. It is hard to accept that God would not value active service more than sitting in prayer.

God's value of us sitting at His feet is a powerful statement about relationship. I find it odd that God is so relational. He is so self-sufficient, yet He desires for us to sit with Him.

Tangible benefits of time with God seem similar to the tangible benefits of being loved. When we feel loved by others, we are better able to serve selflessly. Similarly, when we sit in the love of God on a regular basis, we are empowered to serve Him more fully. Interestingly enough, though, I think God desires relationship with us independent of how it empowers our ministry for Him. And that is truly extraordinary!

Get Me Out!

2010-01-11T08:33:00.000-08:00

It seems that it is in our nature to want out of confusion, or anger, or sadness. We always want out. We cannot understand what could be wrong. We wonder, "How can I get out of this place?"

Maybe the answer is more faith. Maybe the answer is more prayer. My friend told me I should beseech God more directly to give me answers that will lead me out of this confused state I have been in lately. These are important things to do, but sometimes they don't lead us truly out.

We are not the only ones that want out. Other people want us out too. They are not necessarily being selfish. They too just want us to be more comfortable, more confident, more decided.

artwork by Stacey Lovett, untitled, 1997

I suppose we have little patience to stay in. Staying in is such a risky and dangerous endeavor. Staying in requires that we live with a certain degree of doubt and hopelessness. And, living for any amount of time in doubt and hopelessness doesn't feel particularly godly.

But do we really have a choice? When I struggled with sadness or anger in the past, I would employ some rational thinking in an effort to move myself out of "ungodly" disappointment. God would not have me sad, I would surmise. God commands me to rejoice. And with such rational thinking, I would effort to move myself away from sadness. It never worked for even a minute. It only produced a sense of personal dishonesty, and a sense of distance between myself and God.

I have found the greatest freedom as I have consciously allowed myself to be sad, or angry, or doubtful without guilt. Can God really expect us to live life emotionally comfortable? When I think of a young child, I would never expect them to mature without pain. As a parent, I don't think I would focus on making my child more hopeful; rather, I would focus on loving and forming them, trusting that hope is a fruit of the process. I have grown to see God in this way. He is not trying to rationally move me away from "negative" emotions. Rather, He understands that life is full of suffering, and so He is comfortable with us not trying to step out of the complicated and uncomfortable.

And perhaps now I must accept that I will always want out of sadness, or anger, or doubt. I cannot even expect myself to warmly embrace the process of staying in. What great difficulty!

A friend in deep distress once asked me a deceivingly complicated question, "What should I do?" My simple response, "Hold on to God, even if only with your pinky finger."

It seems to me that the Christian life is all about staying in. No matter my doubt or confusion, my main goal is to stay in conversation with God. My goal is to stay listening to Him, to stay beseeching Him. Though I may even feel utterly abandoned by God, my desire is the same: to stay in. And perhaps that is the true meaning of faith.

When a Tree Dies

2009-12-14T09:15:00.000-08:00

In life, one of the largest questions I carry with me is that of God's involvement. It is my tendency to feel that God frequently enters our reality, but then He never quite sticks with us. Perhaps He grows tired, or frustrated, or a little ambivalent toward us.

I have been making slow but steady progress through Annie Dillard's book Pilgrim at Tinker Creek. You may have noticed that many of my recent entries have been influenced by this book.

In my reading today, Annie Dillard considers the question of whether we should explain Creation as the product of a Thought or a Machine. If nature were the product of a Machinist, Dillard surmises, it would be a bit more awkward and ugly. Also, if nature were a Machine, life would frequently end without anything being begun again. The machine would hum along until the day it's parts gave way, and that would be the end of it. A Thought implies that new things are popping up all over the place. The human race and species of all kinds don't seem to just putter out. There seems to be a constant creating. Everyday, birth is happening. It would seem God is in constant Thought about his Creation.

Dillard writes, "...a thought branches and leafs, a tree [or machine] comes to a conclusion. But the question of who is thinking the thought is more fruitful than the question of who made the machine, for a machinist can of course wipe his hands and leave, and his simple machine still hums; but if the thinker's attention strays for a minute, his simplest thought ceases altogether."

Dillard's thoughts are often a little complex for me to fully understand, let alone to explain in my own words. But, the big idea I take from Dillard's hypothesis is that God is involved at every moment of our lives. Consider the analogy of trees. Trees die, but still other trees are always being born. Very few things in creation lose continuity. God's constant Thought is keeping things flowing. When one tree dies, God's involvement is in the birth of a new tree. When one elderly woman dies, God thinks into existence a new beautiful child.

So, you see, we can know God's consistent involvement in our lives if we look at the absolute consistent involvement God shows toward His Creation as a whole. Even if we doubt God's involvement in our own lives, we can look outside ourselves and see that God is most certainly involved in moving time forward in a way that does not lose a hint at Love.

The Cross as Anchor

2009-12-06T10:51:00.001-08:00

Have you ever noticed how hard it is to hold onto a firm hope that God loves you? I suppose it is harder for some than for others. I heard one pastor describe this difficulty as evidence of the spiritual battle that we are in. Personally, I also attribute it to the large number of people who grow up without experiencing steady love.

Whatever the source of our difficulty in holding onto God's love, I have found that we are fortunate as Christians that the central image of our faith is the greatest evidence of God's love.

The CROSS.

Certainly, the CROSS is the image of choice for Christians. We wear crosses as jewelry. Crosses are etched into our Bibles. Some choose crosses as tattoos. You would also be hard-pressed to find a church that doesn't have the image of a cross somewhere in their building.

At a spiritual level too, the CROSS is central. When we become Christians, we sometimes refer to it as "coming to the foot of the cross." Becoming a Christian is synonymous with putting faith in Christ's death on the cross for our sins.

Maybe this is obvious - but it is so helpful that the central Christian message of the CROSS is also one of the most powerful examples of God's love for us.

As Christians, we face times of uncertainty about whether God really cares about us. We can become distrustful that God is deeply invested in the stories of our lives. It is powerful that we only need to take a quick look at the cover of our Bible to see the image of a CROSS that confronts this lie. The cross carries incredible evidence that contradicts our fears that God does not care.

The most powerful iconic image of our faith - the CROSS- represents a love that drove God to sacrifice His only Son. The cross is evidence of God's deep desire to be in relationship with us. From Romans 8:32, we read, "He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?"

Perhaps the greatest difficulty for me is understanding why it often feels like God is not "graciously giving me all things." Fortunately, the CROSS is all around me. The cross is the central image of my faith. The cross is where I put my belief. So, in times of deep distress over whether God really cares about me, I turn to remember the great act of love that took place on the CROSS, and I let that be my anchor.

*Glass design and image by Sans Soucie Art Glass Studios

An Extravagance of Minutiae

2009-11-27T14:49:00.000-08:00

"You are God. You want to make a forest, something to hold the soil, lock up solar energy, and give off oxygen. Wouldn't it be simpler just to rough in a slab of chemicals, a green acre of goo?"

- Pilgrim at Tinker Creek, Annie Dillard

My Post Office Preacher

2009-11-01T14:16:00.001-08:00

Sunday is my day off. While eating lunch today, I sat down to do some channel surfing. After scanning the major networks, I found myself flipping through the boring channels that are all in a row: C-SPAN, local schoolboard meetings, etc. As I flipped with increasing speed through these stations, something caught my eye. I quickly flipped back one channel to get a second look at a sermon broadcast. The man preaching looked very familiar.

After a few seconds of more closely examining the preacher's face, I realized that the preacher was the man that works behind the desk at my local post office. I always buy stamps at his counter! As I listened to his TV sermon, I felt a little like I was spying on him. It was fun to see this other side of him. As I listened for a couple minutes, I slowly became less of a spy and more of a participating listener.

The Post Office Preacher was teaching about how fear leads to disobedience.

His key passage was from I Samuel. In 1 Samuel 10, Samuel gives instructions from God to Saul.

Samuel tells Saul, "Go down ahead of me to Gilgal. I will surely come down to you to sacrifice burnt offerings, but you must wait seven days until I come to you and tell you what you are to do."

Later in I Samuel 13, we read of Saul's disobedience to Samuel's instructions:

Saul remained at Gilgal, and all the troops with him were quaking with fear. He waited seven days, the time set by Samuel; but Samuel did not come to Gilgal, and Saul's men began to scatter. So he said, "Bring me the burnt offerings and the fellowship offerings." And Saul offered up the burnt offerings. Just as he finished making the offering, Samuel arrived, and Saul went out to greet him.

"What have you done," asked Samuel.

Saul replied, "When I saw that the men were scattering, and that you did not come at the set time, and that the Philistines were assembling at Micmash, I thought, 'Now the Philistines will come down against me at Gilgal, and I have not sought the Lord's favor.' So I felt compelled to offer the burnt offering.

"You acted foolishly," Samuel said. "You have not kept the command the Lord God gave you..."

The Post Office Preacher explained that Saul did not obey because he was afraid. Saul listened to the voices of pressure around him that convinced him he could not wait for Samuel any longer, or else his army would be destroyed.

Out of fear, Saul did not follow God's instructions. It was a test. And Saul fails because his faith is weak in the face of pressure.

Why do we give up waiting for God?

Because we are afraid He will not show up!

Saul fails to see God as his Protector. Saul looked around him and sees his only hope for protection in himself. He did not believe that God was on his side and that with God nothing could overtake him.

I find myself giving in to disillusionment when I feel that God is not showing up. In times of extended waiting, eventually I give into the fear that God is not coming. I look around and see myself as the only person who will protect my desires. I move quickly into self-reliance. And from this point of self-reliance, I often develop bitterness toward God for not showing up in the way I expected.

Samuel told Saul to wait "until I come to you and tell you what to do next." I often find myself in a place of wanting to know what is next. Saul never finds out what to do next because he loses confidence in Samuel's arrival. Ultimatley, Saul's lack of confidence leads him to directly disobey the instructions God gave him to wait.

My Post Office Preacher's message was a great reminder to me that I must wait for God in confidence until He arrives to tell me what to do next. This sermon also reminded me that God is aware of the difficult struggle to wait, and that he will place encouragements (like TV sermons from Post Office Preachers) in our path to help us maintain faith and obedience.

Monkeys at Typewriters

2009-07-23T13:57:00.000-07:00

"We don't know what is going on here. If these tremendous events are random combinations of matter run amok, the yield of millions of monkeys at millions of typewriters, then what is it in us, hammered out of those same typewriters, that they ignite?"

- Annie Dillard, Pilgrim at Tinker Creek

"God is subtle, but not malicious"

2009-07-23T12:03:00.000-07:00

"God is subtle, but not malicious," said Einstein. Einstein, more than most, reached his hands deep into the mysteries of nature. Einstein said that "nature conceals her mystery by means of her essential grandeur, not by her cunning." Einstein paints the portrait of a God who did not create the world only to walk away and "enjoy" the show. The intricacies and contradictions around us are not part of God's plan to leave us frightened and confused. The mystery we find is just par for the grandeur.

"It could be that God has not absconded but spread, as our vision and understanding of the universe have spread, to a fabric of spirit and sense so grand and subtle, so powerful in a new way, that we can only feel blindly of its hem." - Annie Dillard, Pilgrim at Tinker Creek (Winner of the Pulitzer Prize)

"Cruelty is a mystery, and the waste of pain. But if we describe a world to compass these things, a world that is a long, brute game, then we bump against another mystery: the inrush of power and light,... there seems to be such a thing as beauty, a grace wholly gratuitous." -Annie Dillard, Pilgrim at Tinker Creek.

As an example of her point in the quote above, Dillard tells of watching a mockingbird step off of the roof of a house and fall vertically toward the ground. At the very last moment, the mockingbird spread it's wings and soared just above the grass. Dillard says in reference to her observation of this bird, "...beauty and grace are performed whether or not we will or sense them. The least we can do is try to be there."

Life is far more livable if we don't have to ignore that there is indescribable pain and confusion around us. And yet, we cannot dwell so long in only that place so as to miss what is also beautifully breathtaking around us.

For me, nature is one of the primary evidences of God's existence. And, in going back to the message of nature, sometimes I can also make more sense of the details of God's involvement in our lives. I believe there is a God, but sometimes I get very confused about what He is doing with us. Yet, when I watch nature closely, it vividly reveals that God was and is very invested in His Creation. God is like an artist who cannot bear to sell his greatest painting. He would not be a true artist if He uncaringly abandoned his masterpiece along the side of a road, leaving it entirely unprotected from rain, swerving cars, ignorant pedestrians, and loneliness.

I believe the pain of life is all around us. It is evident in our destructible bodies, in our vulnerable hearts, in our reality tv, and in the weeds that I have to pull out of my garden everyday. I am much more a person who gets stuck in the bad rather than stuck in the good. So, I must effort to see the grandeur that is everyday happening next to the cruelty in order not to loose accuracy in my, as Thoreau called it, "meteorological journal of the mind."

I Get It Now: My Friends Are Sinners!

2009-07-13T08:17:00.000-07:00

Whenever I want to focus on reading or prayer, I can't sit in my living room unless it is perfectly clean. My eyes by nature see things that need to be cleaned or improved, and I am terribly distracted and annoyed until I act to bring about that improvement.

I'm like that with people too. It is a strength to be able to see the ways people can grow, but it is a weakness when I am annoyed and irritated by realizing areas of sin in people's lives (or at least my perception thereof).

Eugene Peterson, in his book The Contemplative Pastor, stresses that ministers can never quit thinking of the people in their congregation as sinners. Whether we're a pastor or not, I think there is some great truth in this reminder to see everyone around us as sinners.

Peterson writes:

"If a pastor finds himself resenting his people, getting petulant and haranguing them, that is a sign that he or she has quit thinking of them as sinners who bring 'nothing in themselves of worth' and has secretly invested them with divine attributes of love, strength , compassion, and joy. They, of course, do not have these attributes in any mature measure and so will disappoint him or her every time. On the other hand, if the pastor rigorously defines people as fellow sinners, he or she will be prepared to share grief, shortcomings, pain, failure, and have plenty of time left over to watch for the signs of God's grace operating in this wilderness, and then fill the air with praises for what he discovers."

An understanding of people as sinners enables a pastoral ministry to function without anger. Accumulated resentment (a constant threat to pastors) is dissolved when unreal - that is, untheological - presuppositions are abandoned. If people are sinners then pastors can concentrate on talking about God's action in Jesus Christ instead of sitting around lamenting how bad the people are."

I do find myself so easily irritated when everyday it seems I see another area of weakness in a friend's life. It seems that the key indicator of my misperception is that I am irritated. Somehow their weakness seems to inhibit my plans for them, or I'm just hurt by how their sin affects me.

So, what happens if I try harder to see you all as sinners? Well, for starters, I have to then conclude that I am also a sinner, and that is always a good realization when in relationships. Also, I am reminded to not be surprised when I see people's sin. Instead, I can enjoy them as fellow humans who are growing and maturing toward Christ while still in a broken body. I am not entering relationships expecting and demanding perfection. Instead, I am entering relationships with a keen awareness that neither I nor them will be clean. That perspective leaves room for me to take joy in the ways God is changing us to be like himself, and also the joy of witnessing God's grace in the midst of our imperfection.

So yes, my friends, I must start seeing you more as a sinner! I hate to do that to you, but I trust that it will be better for our relationship if I do. Don't worry, I'll try to remember that I'm one too.

Robinson Crusoe's Thoughts on God

2009-06-21T18:50:00.000-07:00

Before heading on vacation to northwest Washington State, I asked a friend for some book recommendations. I didn't ask expecting to hear any titles of Fiction, but as a fan of most classical literature, the suggestion of Robinson Crusoe seemed worth consideration.

I made a last minute purchase of the book before catching my plane in Chicago. It's maritime themes turned out to be a perfect read as I traveled along the shore that surrounds the Olympic Peninsula of Washington State.

Artwork: Robinson Crusoe by NC Wyeth

I have been in a time of questioning the Providence of God. "Providence" is a word I have not focused on since I was a junior in high school. It was then that I read such authors as Jonathan Edwards. But, when Robinson Crusoe uses the word "Providence," it hit me that my current confusions with God are almost entirely questions of this type.

To me, Providence is not just believing that God can control anything in the Universe. Providence also implies He is moving with purpose and wisdom. He is not aloof. He is not uninvolved. He has a plan.

This has been my journey of thinking the past months. My desires have seemed somehow blocked. I have begun to wonder who determines what happens around us. Does God block us? I would find that more comforting than knowing God has no hand in our times of frustration. At least if God is blocking us, we know that there is a wise Providence at work around us. If the world is what is blocking us, than for me that just leads to hopelessness.

Robinson Crusoe, while stranded on an island, begins to believe that his life experiences have been orchestrated by God.

"I looked around me and considered what particular Providences had attended me since my coming into this Place, and how God had dealt bountifully with me; had not only punished me less than my Iniquity had deserv'd, but had so plentifully provided for me; this gave me great hopes that my Repentance was accepted, and that God hath yet Mercy in store for me."

It was refreshing for me to read Robinson Crusoe's (and much more the author, Daniel Defoe's) hope that God is in control of more than we see. Looking back at our lives, we often see Providence a more likely actor than we do when we look forward.

Robinson Crusoe faces his own test of hope in Providence when he faces a great fear while he is on the island.

"Thus my Fear banish'd all my religious Hope; all that former Confidence in God which was founded upon such wonderful Experience as I had had of his Goodness, now vanished, as if he that had fed me by Miracle hitherto, could not preserve by his Power and Provision which he had made for me by his Goodness..."

Reading this statement of Crusoe, I was reminded of my own sense of God's Providence when I look backward. But when I look forward, I too lose hope in the Presence of Providence. Crusoe was a good reminder to me that God does not change midstream. He is not guiding and caring half of our lives, and then suddenly distant and uncaring. He is the same at all times.

Recently, I have struggled with a feeling that God is far off. I have struggled to see the Providence of God as being more present than the providence of people. From this place of fear, I have felt God calling me to remember His Promises.

Crusoe remembers this one, as I should...

"Wait on the Lord, and be of good Cheer, and he shall strengthen thy Heart; wait, I say, on the Lord."

Why Does Pharoah Say "NO?"

2009-05-22T08:56:00.001-07:00

I recently gave a talk to college students entitled "Hearing God Through the Story of Your Life." I used the story of Moses to show how God uses our experiences, passions and personality to guide us toward how He wants to use us.

Moses was born a Jew (Ex 2:2). His life is saved when he is adopted by Pharaoh's daughter. He becomes Egyptian nobility with incredible access to education and influence. Throughout his early life, we see him develop a passion for justice. This passion is seen in his killing of an Egyptian soldier (2:11,12) and in the rescuing of his future wife from deviant shepherds (2:17). Moses is also now a murderer.

In my talk, I discussed how each of these experiences and passions foreshadow how God would use Moses to free His people from Egyptian slavery. Yet, Moses doubts God saying, "Who am I, that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?" (3:11) From my vantage point, it makes all the sense in the world that Moses would be the guy for the job. But Moses does not see it that way. He is confident that his inability to speak eloquently negates all the other parts of his life that point toward this calling.

In the end, Moses asks God, "Please send someone else to do it" (4:13). Eventually, a compromise is made and God allows Aaron to go with Moses to be his mouthpiece (4:14-16).

-------------------

Days before giving this message, I received a letter and email communicating that I had not been accepted to a language program in Japan this summer. It was a very discouraging blow. The program would have allowed me to be in Japan for over one month, and the language training would open up opportunities for future jobs and ministry opportunities in Japan.

Similiar to Moses' life pointing toward freeing the Israelites, much of my life story seems to point toward being a missionary in Japan. I had the opportunity to study Japanese from the time I was in high school. I was able to travel to Japan twice before graduating from college. Both of these trips were entirely paid for by a third party. My struggles with depression and the purpose of life line up perfectly with the issues that are common among Japanese young people.

Though I never heard God speak through something as loud as a burning bush, I have a few experiences that have led me to a very strong belief that God is calling me to Japan. And, over the years, I have worked toward having my heart embrace that calling.

So, when I discovered that I had been rejected for this program, I began to think about Moses.

I wonder what Moses felt like when he stood before Pharaoh, and Pharaoh said, "No. I will not let your people go" (5:4,5). Moses response to this rejection is, "O Lord, why have you brought trouble upon this people? Is this why you sent me?" (5:22)

If I were in Moses' shoes, I would say, "What??? God, you called me to this mission, didn't you? Why would this door slam in my face?"

My current disappointment has brought me back to foundational questions: Is this an act of God or an act of man? Is God orchestrating this circumstance, or did I just not get accepted? Does this mean that God is not really calling me to Japan? Is this only the beginning of future roadblocks to me going?

As I sat with a friend after receiving the news of my rejection to this program, she said to me, "I believe God is committed to you." She was not trying to be particularly insightful, but her words felt like the rock I needed to stand on.

I cannot guarantee that God will lead me to Japan. I cannot know the degree to which God interferes with the decisions of man. What I can know is that God is committed to me. Praise God that He has slowly built my confidence in this truth!

So, as I look to this summer wishing to be in Japan, I have to hold to the knowledge of God's commitment to me. And like another friend encouraged me, "God does not waste anything." No matter why this door was shut, God will make the most of my time in the US this summer. It will not be wasted.

Rosa Parks, Crack Addicts & Japan

2009-03-29T15:27:00.000-07:00

What could these three things possibly have in common?

During a Spring Break trip this past week in Memphis, our group of 50 from the Univ of IL went to the Civil Rights Museum. Memphis is the location of Martin Luther King Jr's assassination, and a museum was erected as an annex to the hotel where he was shot.

As we were led through the museum by a gifted and animated tour guide, I began to get a broader picture of the determination that characterized MLK Jr's and others' fight for civil rights. Slavery is not the only issue that had to be won. Long after slavery had been abolished, segregation in restaurants, schools, and buses was still the norm.

When I first heard the story of Rosa Parks, I imagined that she was an older lady who on one particular day was tired and would not give up her seat on the bus. I imagined her being purposeful in challenging the status quo, but I did not realize that her presence on that bus was carefully calculated long before that day occurred. It was decided by prominent civil rights' leaders that Rosa would get on that bus and on that day. She was the icon that would begin a strategic attack on segregation in public transportation.

This example of Rosa Parks is only one of the many brilliant efforts by civil rights' leaders to break the hold of segregation. Their thinking was as strategic as many of the world's top business executives, only their fight was not for money. They were poised and systematic in moving from issue to issue in their civil rights' agenda. Of course, many lives were lost in their fight for equality, but we can all agree that their efforts produced lasting societal change.

Strategic and Patient. Those are the words that summarize the efforts of men like Martin Luther King Jr.

Moving ahead...

Bonnie is a woman that I met this past week during a service project in Memphis, TN. Memphis is a lot more impoverished than most of us could imagine. Drug addiction, prostitution and violence are a part of the daily lives of everyone who lives in the Big Hampton area of Memphis.

On our second day working on a house in Big Hampton, our construction overseer brought two people over to meet us. This overseer, named Marlin, is an ex-convict and addict. Now his ministry is to addicts, homeless, prostitutes, and criminals. He sat these two friends of his down in front of our group of 15. He started by asking them questions that revealed they were crack addicts, had a criminal record, had exchanged sex for drugs or money, and had children they did not see.

One of these two people was a woman named Bonnie. As most of our group primarily addressed the man with her, myself and a couple other women focused our thoughts and questions on Bonnie. She is 39, but she looks like she's in her fifties. She started doing drugs when she was about 13. She had been sexually abused by her grandfather who was a pastor. She had two children whom she was not allowed to see. Every night she prostituted herself in order to get money for drugs. She had graduated from nursing school, but lost her certificate after stealing drugs from the hospital where she worked. She had previously owned a restaurant. She had tried rehab several times, but had never completed it.

You could hear in Bonnie's words that she didn't want the lifestyle she was in. Yet, it was nearly impossible for her to give up her predictable though horrible life for a very unpredictable return trip to rehab.

Marlin made it clear that one of his goals in bringing Bonnie and her partner to meet us was he wanted us to work at convincing them to go to rehab. When our time with them ended, neither would make a commitment to go to rehab.

The next day, however, Marlin informed us that Bonnie had made an appointment for an interview at the rehab center. It was incredible to know we had influenced someone to entirely reroute their life. As we left Memphis on Friday, Bonnie had been accepted to a 6-month program in Minnesota and would be leaving for there today (Sunday).

What is most sad to me is my lack of hope for Bonnie. Three times at rehab. Years of drug abuse. A daily life full of instability and shame. What a massive lifestyle to overcome!

I had to examine my own heart about my lack of hope for Bonnie.

How do I typically see huge obstacles? What is my emotional response to macro problems that confront societies and individual lives? I believe my two most prominent reactions are hopelessness or comfort. I either see huge problems as impossible to change, or I retreat into my world that tries to forget that there is a problem at all.

Strategic and Patient.

Now on to Japan...

I have long been planning to do Christian missions in Japan. In Japan, the percentage of the population that is Christian is under 1%. It is extremely difficult to imagine anything changing. The cultural patterns of Japanese society seem immovable. Christianity has been present in Japan since the time of Francis Xavier, and yet it has never gained a significant following.

How massively unlikely that Japan will every develop a strong Christian community!

In summary...

When I think about the civil rights' movement and Bonnie, I am convicted toward Strategy and Patience in other areas of my life. Most prominently, I am challenged in the way I think about the future of Christianity in Japan.

Life's most difficult problems cannot be left unchallenged. What would have happened if everyone was hopeless about the ending of slavery? What would have happened if no one had a vision for helping the people of Big Hampton, Memphis? I want to be the type of person that will make every effort toward combatting some of life's biggest obstacles. It is crucial that I not give in to hopelessness, or retreat to a life that puts on blinders.

Strategic and Patient.

Is It Bad That I Want To Shine?

2009-03-20T09:49:00.000-07:00

I recently gave a talk about "Sadness." Though it is a topic I have a lot of thoughts about, it was intimidating to approach the topic in such a macro way.

After the talk, I felt horrible. I went home and felt like I had been boring and incoherent. It is not uncommon for me to face these feelings of failure whenever I speak publicly.

Because I had the following two days off, there was no way for me to receive reassurance from those who had heard me speak. And I'm not sure I would trust them altogether even if they did reassure me. I tend to think people feel a certain obligation to tell you, "Good job," even if what you said wasn't particularly good.

With no one to reassure me in the days following, I went before the Lord to find some form of resolution to my strong feelings of failure.

I ended up reading this verse as I opened up my Bible...

Psalm 37:3-7a

"Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.

Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him..."

One of the first things that I noticed about this scripture is that God seemed to be affirming that it was okay that I want to shine. "He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun."

A desire to shine can feel a little selfish. What if I am more concerned with my own glory than God's? It's a healthy question to ask, but I am often surprised by the degree to which God affirms my desire to make a difference. I really did want God to use my talk to move and effect people. I wanted to see that what I was doing was making a difference. I do want to be a light that influences the way people think and live.

In our lives, how can we assure that we will shine? "Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this..." Our honor and effectiveness is always in God's hand. We do our best, and then we hand our 'shiny-ness' back to Him.

So, as I pondered this passage the day after I taught, I found myself saying, "I learned some things I'd like to do differently next time I speak, but I gave this talk a lot of work. God is the one who will honor my work by making it shine. I have to trust that no matter how bad it felt to me, God can use me to shine forth His truth."

Of course, I went back to work a day later and everyone encouraged me that it had been a great talk. Their sincerity was reassuring. But, the struggle of the days before had done their work in bringing me back to the foundational principle that God uses us even when we feel like we have failed.

Interestingly enough, days after my talk I heard about a girl who became a Christian the day after attending my talk. I don't think she would say she became a Christian because of my talk. In fact, the hardest work had been done by a friend on her dorm floor who had been sharing Christ with her. But, it gave me great joy to know that my words might have had some influence in leading her further in her consideration of Christ. It doesn't get much better than having even a tiny influence in someone coming to know the Lord!

Don't I look really shiny!

He Will Not Give A Stone

2009-03-01T13:42:00.000-08:00

Recently some friends and I have been trying to remember where the funny phrase, "Waaait foor it" (said slowly), comes from.

In any case, this is a phrase that has been on my mind lately as it relates to my relationship with God.

In my previous entry, I expressed some of my disappointment that God is not more visibly comforting in our difficult times. A day or two after writing that, I found myself saying, "Waaait foor iit..." The reason being that, after a short wait, I sensed that God was orchestrating a response to my call for comfort. And, as I had requested, that comfort came in a very tangible way. Only, it came in the form of a friend rather than through an actual appearance of the Almighty.

I had wanted God to be physically present in my pain, not just comforting from afar. It didn't really occur to me that He might show Himself physically present through someone else. In retrospect, it doesn't really surprise me that God is present with us through others, but I don't know that I expected it to feel so much like it was God Himself present.

I came across this verse on the day I found comfort in this friend of mine.

Matthew 7:7-11

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.
"Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!

It was a reminder that God does not withhold good things from us. In our cry for His comfort, I believe we are most often motivated by very pure desires. In asking for bread, He is not going to give us a stone. In asking for comfort, he will not shut the door.

Of course, the challenge is in the waiting. But I found great comfort in knowing that it is God's desire to comfort us. He is not inactive in responding to our prayers. We may just not know what good gift He is preparing and from what direction it will come.

Certainly, we will still grieve the imperfect way in which our friends & family model God's comfort to us. God is still not perfectly with us. But it is comforting to know that He at least hears and responds to our desire for Him to be as tangible as possible.

An Unresolved Ache

2009-02-15T10:00:00.000-08:00

It is a bit awkward to post entries that are more an elaboration of questions than of learned insights. Over the last couple weeks I have found myself asking questions that reach beyond my ability to understand.

I am currently preparing for a talk about sadness. Perhaps my preparation for this talk has left me thinking through many of my own unresolved questions about the topic.

For example, it is difficult for me to understand how we are to find comfort from God in our sadness. It seems that God is silent while, at the same time, also very active. I was reminded on Valentine's Day that I feel a desire not only to see God's love in action, but also to hear Him literally speak, "Stacey, I love you."

I think we all crave God being much closer than He is. We have a desire for our faith not to be the only road by which we know His love. I believe it is not an insurmountable stretch to believe God exists and that He is loving without literally seeing, touching or hearing Him. I believe there is a lot of evidence around us that points toward the God of the Bible. And yet, there is a part of me that yearns for a more tangible connection.

What if the Bible was like a Quigi board? When you ask it a question, the Bible flips to a particular page. Then, a passage on that page is illuminated revealing the words God has especially spoken to you. It seems to me that this would be so much more comforting.

Instead we live with an ache. An ache for something that is not yet. I can only assume that there is something in heaven that eliminates this barrier. Interestingly enough, it was only when I began guessing that heaven is the answer to this sad state of distance that I began to think heaven might be a cool place afterall.

Why Do We Always Give One Answer?

2009-02-08T14:45:00.000-08:00

Today I visited a church I had never been to. The visiting speaker's sermon was on the topic of suffering and God's disciplining and guiding of us.

The speaker's story is heart-wrenching. His son who is 32 was injured several years ago while skiing with some teenagers from a youth group he led. While skiing, he sustained a severe head injury that crushed his skull. The son survived, but now he is paralyzed and under the full-time care of his parents.

This is the type of speaker who you really want to hear from on the topic of suffering.

I am almost ashamed that I was a bit disappointed with the narrowness of his response to the problem of suffering. From the sniffling around me, it was clear that many in the congregation were very moved. I, on the other hand, had a very difficult time worshipping after the message because I was so bothered.

He shared from the passage Hebrews 12 that discusses how God disciplines everyone He loves. The speaker was careful to explain that discipline in this passage is not simply a response to a negative behavior. This type of discipline also includes the concept of formation. For example, a parent may require a child to do chores around the house. The chores are not a response to the child's wrongdoing, but rather the parent believes that the chore is important for the child's development.

No problem there. That makes sense.

But, here's where I began to be troubled... I believe the speaker's main point was to communicate that all of our suffering is caused by God to make us more like Himself.

Here is where my warning light starts flashing. Paraphrasing the speaker, "I've told women, 'God gave you that horrible husband. He cares that much for you. He will do anything necessary to form you into a more whole and holy child of God.'"

Now if the speaker's point is that God is in all of our suffering, I would agree. I do believe God uses all of our suffering to make us more like Himself. But the speaker seemed to be stretching further than that to the point of saying God does not simply allow suffering, He orchestrates and causes ALL suffering.

So, the question I ask is, "So God caused a child's father to sexually abuse her so that she could become more like Christ?" Are you sure about that?

Let me shortcut this discussion and broaden the scope of our question:

Why do Christians only give one answer to the problem of suffering?

I actually agree that one of the causes of suffering is the direct action of God in putting painful things in our lives. But, I also believe there are other reasons for why we suffer. Christians, however, always seem to give sermons and write books that look at the topic from only one angle. I think these one-angled answers disservice our witness to those who are spiritually stuck on this question.

I've heard messages that say suffering is a result of sin (The Flood). Other messages have argued that suffering is God allowing Satan to test us (Job). Or, suffering is a result of sin in the world that comes from the freedom God gave us to choose right and wrong (Cain & Able). Or, in this case, suffering is caused by God to develop us into mature sons and daughters (Hebrews 12).

Complexity - J. David Sweatt, Artist and Scientist

You know what I think is the responsible answer to the question of suffering? All of the above, and still other answers as well. If you scan the Word of God, there is a lot of suffering going on. And, in story after story, there seem to be different reasons for that suffering.

What if Christians began dialoguing on the topic of suffering with a wider angle?

When someone asks, "Why is there suffering in the world?" what if we were to answer,"It's a really good question. I believe that the Bible shows that there are many different reasons. I don't want to oversimplify your question. Let me share a couple of examples of suffering in the Bible and what causes they seem to point to..."

Let me go back to the speaker I heard today. Far be it from me to simple pass by his insight on the problem of suffering. I want to ponder more whether the depth of God's love surpasses all of our understanding. What if He will bring upon us even the deepest of pain in order that we might share in the Glory of being like Him? I'm interested in your comments related to this question. Post your comments below if you have thoughts.

Chasing or Following? A Wind or a Cloud?

2009-01-25T12:19:00.000-08:00

Ecclesiastes 4:6

Better one handful with tranquility than two handfuls with toil and chasing after the wind.

I found myself recently praying, "God, I feel like I'm chasing after the wind." As I prayed and pondered, I came to the conclusion that it is not that I am chasing after false or unsatisfying things. I know well the Bible's teachings about the emptiness that comes from chasing after things besides God. Rather, in this instance, I feel like I am chasing after God. Yet, I find myself saying, "God, hold up! I don't have the energy to run after all the things it seems you want me to do."

"You expect too much of me."

I can feel like God's expectations for me are far ahead of where I am. To make matters worse, I fear that if I just ran harder maybe I could keep up with God. God's pace just sounds like a strain. I find myself fearing that God will be displeased with me and opportunities will pass me by because I am lagging behind the speed of God.

So I cry out, "God, I feel like I'm chasing after the wind."

During a time of prayer, I sensed a very quick response by God, "Isn't that what the Israelites did?"

Exodus 13:20-22

By day the LORD went ahead of them in a pillar of cloud to guide them on their way and by night in a pillar of fire to give them light, so that they could travel by day or night. Neither the pillar of cloud by day nor the pillar of fire by night left its place in front of the people.

I remembered this story of the Israelites when they were rescued by the Lord from Egyptian captivity. They followed a cloud and a light through the desert en route to the Promised Land.

It is interesting that there is quite a difference between following and chasing. Chasing implies that something very elusive is moving very rapidly ahead of you. Following seems to imply that the thing you desire is nearer. It is not far ahead. It is just before you. It also does not carry the image of a strained pace or panic, rather a measured pace and calm guidance.

There is also a key spiritual difference between a wind and a cloud. A wind is much more undefined than a cloud. The wind moves about, sometimes changing direction midday. A cloud is a bit easier to see, less elusive.

"Chasing after the wind" evokes an image of something that will never be caught. "Following a cloud" seems much more peace-filled. We are being led by an all-knowing being, at a pace he knows we can handle. Surely God knew of the slow-moving children and elders among the Israelites. He knew there were people with knee problems and people who would be slowed by their discouragement or emotional pain. We get no sense that God was moving faster than the Israelites were able to go.

Is this not how our Heavenly Father leads us?

I hope so. Maybe God is saying, "Stacey, I accept you right where you are. I appreciate your desire to follow me and be obedient. Do your best. I will never leave you behind. Take one day at a time. Be watchful and take as many opportunities as you can."

This struggle of mine reminded me of a friend who recently tried to potty train her son. She was diligent in instructing him, but in the end, she determined he was not ready. I could tell she was a little sad, but it was clear she was not ashamed or frustrated at her son. She would try again later, at a time when he was ready.

I wonder if God is a bit like this friend of mine. There are times when He wants to move us forward toward new growth. God creates opportunities that He wants us to reach out for. Yet, He is understanding if there are times when we are too fearful to respond. Being loving and desiring our growth, He presents the opportunity again at a later time when we might be more ready.

So, I concluded that God's will is neither elusive nor running ahead of us. And, worse case scenario, when we are not able to take an opportunity God gives us, He will bring it back around in the future because He knows that our heart is to follow Him.

Stacey is... in a state of irritation

2009-01-07T10:24:00.000-08:00

"All actual life is encounter."
- Martin Buber

Toward the end of the Fall Semester, I found myself becoming increasingly irritable. Each day in ministry, I have to work so closely with people. Often my impatience builds up at the end of the semester because I see the break coming and, "I can't take it anymore!"

Being in the church can be an irritating place for me. The standards are much higher. 'Just walking away,' gossip, taking stabs, angry yelling, violent outbursts are hardly representative of the fruit of the spirit. One of my co-workers has coined the term 'anger fantasies,' referring to when he has internal conversations with a person where he tells them how he really feels and, when really angry, might even give them a punch in the face.

Eugene Peterson, in his book a Long Obedience in the Same direction, writes:

Whether we like it or not, the moment we confess Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior, that is, from the time we become a Chrisitan, we are at the same time a member of the Christian church - even if we do not permit our name to be placed on a church roll, even if we refuse to identify ourselves with a particular congregation and share responsibilities with them, even if we absent ourselves from the worship of a congregation. Our membership in the church is a corollary of our faith in Christ.

So true. There is no possible way I have found to avoid interacting with people while still being a Christian.

I am the type of person that finds the Thoreau-thing very attractive. Seclusion often seems like the best remedy to a painful life. I am a pretty sensitive person. I am extremely affected by conflict and hurt in relationships. And yet, I am becoming fully convinced that I would be much more miserable outside of the community of the Church than I am in it. I'd rather have it be complicated than to be alone.

Psalm 133

How wonderful, how beautiful,

when brothers and sisters get along!

It's like costly anointing oil

flowing down head and beard,

Flowing down Aaron's beard,

flowing down the collar of his priestly robes.

It's like the dew on Mount Hermon

flowing down the slopes of Zion.

Yes, that's where God commands the blessing,

ordains eternal life.

Today I will have a conflict-resolution phone call with a sister in Christ who I am considerably irritated with. I just sat down to pray and ask that God would lead me to a place of understanding what a holy attitude might look like. After my prayer, I opened up to the next chapter in a book I'm reading. It was appropriately on the topic of "Community."

One of the strongest points the chapter makes is related to the verse in Ps 133 that refers to the oil that is flowing down Aaron's beard. The author explained this image as a reference to understanding the priestliness (or God-given value) of each believer. Oil was used in the Bible as a symbol of God's presence, and his transferred blessing on someone.

Understanding the God-given value of each individual seems so pivotal for getting along with my brothers and sisters in the church. It's not just about me. In the eyes of God, it is about me, and him, and her, and all the others. My needs and desires do not stand above the needs and desires of others. I am not more important. My needs are significant, but they are not more signifcant.

For me, the church has often been a place where I have felt competition. Eugene Peterson uses the example of a brother and sister at the dinner table. There is only one pork chop left, and somebody is going to get it and somebody else is not. That kind of sibling rivalry definitely flows into the church for me. There's something that I feel I will not get when somebody else thrives or succeeds, or when their opinion wins out over my opinion.

After reading this chapter and reflecting on Psalm 133 I do feel more prepared to take this conflict-resolution phone call. It has pulled me out of a self-centered way of looking at the situation. I haven't come to believe that I can't voice my frustrations, but rather, that I must go in with an attitude of understanding that she too has needs and desires that are legitimate and valuable before God. It's less a conversation of "Let me tell you!" and more a conversation of "Can we understand each other?"

Suffering is neither Illusion nor Terror

2008-12-21T10:17:00.001-08:00

Suffering is certainly one of the most confusing topics of human existence.

"Man is born to trouble as the sparks fly upward," says Job (5:7). Many Christians are bold enough to say that suffering is not a part of our Christian lives. If we are doing everything right, they would say, we will feel no anger or sadness. It will all be gladness.

Though not all of our questions can be answered, the Bible is full of examples of how God responds to our suffering. Read Psalm 130 as an example of how suffering is to be brought before God because we can know that He is merciful and desires to help us.

We do not serve a God who is trite. We serve a God who is much deeper than our deepest depths. He is well acquainted with pain and knows it is not an illusion. This allows God to reside with us in our pain.

"Many people suffer because of the false supposition on which they have based their lives. That supposition is that there should be no fear or loneliness, no confusion or doubt." - Henri Nouwen.

"Our very pain is a sign of God's remembrance of us, for it would be much worse if we were left in ghastly isolation." - Forsyth

"Suffering is real. God is real... God makes a difference... God is not indifferent." - Eugene Peterson

In my own life, I have found suffering to be a place of incredible discomfort. Pain can radiate through us in a way that makes us desperate for relief. And in that desperation, often we are not quickly relieved. It is understandable that many people stand before God in anger and disappointment. Because the emotion of suffering is so strong, having to sit in it feels like evidence of an absent God. What parent is absent in our deepest time of need?

Throughout the Psalms, a recurring theme in the presence of pain is a call to WAIT and WATCH. When I was young, one of my favorite psalms was Psalm 130.

"My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning."

If I think of my own experience with suffering, I can confirm that waiting and watching was the only road I found that did not lead to death - whether physical, emotional or spiritual. In the midst of suffering, there is so little we can do. There is a slight peace in knowing that waiting is our goal. And we are not just waiting in indefinite ignorance. We are waiting for the most capable and loving Being ever known.

Hope. Eugene Peterson defines hope as a combination of watching and waiting. Interestingly enough, hope cannot exist if it is not accompanied by despair. Despair calls forth the need for hope. And hope is what takes arms against despair.

John 6:68 records Simon Peter asking Jesus, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life." These words have brought me much stability in the presence of suffering. There are few verses I believe more strongly. I know of no other place or person to go to for help. In God alone do I know to go.

Terrifying things can be the cause of suffering, but suffering need not lead us to terror. Terror is the utter absence of hope. With Christ, even death has no sting. And what greater sting is there than to be alone? One of the greatest triumphs of the cross was the end to aloneness.

Artwork by Stacey Lovett, 1997

Am I Patient or Lethargic?

2008-12-07T10:33:00.000-08:00

I have been pursuing full-time ministry in Japan for quite some time now. In fact, it has been nearly 15 years! That's a long wait. Recently I have been asking the question, "Am I really doing enough to make it happen?" Maybe I need to seize the reigns and take some sort of great risk. Maybe I should just get on a plane to Japan tomorrow and find the ministry that God is waiting for me to do. Am I being patient in waiting for God to open a clear door, or am I getting lethargic in taking action toward my calling.

I have come to lead a Christian life that reflects a belief that God opens doors, and also that God will give us a nudge when He wants us to move forward. This has generally led me to a type of living that is not self-reliant and contains a lot of peace. My peace is grounded in a belief that I don't have to figure out my life. Rather, I just need to make daily choices that I believe God is leading me to.

But, I watch some Christians and they seem to be much stronger than I in pushing hard toward a goal. They seem a bit more adventurous; a bit more of a risk taker. Am I just a different type of person? Does my personality necessitate a different kind of holiness? Or, have I fallen into a pattern of just "waiting for God to move?"

Am I patient or am I lethargic? This the question I have felt faced by this semester. And it's not just a question related to Japan. For me, it is related to marriage, sharing the Gospel, the nature with which I pursue God, spiritual disciplines, etc.

Initially, I wondered if my question of 'patient versus lethargic' might be spiritual attack. I thought maybe Satan was trying to accuse me in a way that would wrongfully discourage my relationship with God. When I look at the question now, I actually do tend to believe it came from Satan. But, I also feel like God turned that attack into something good. God has made me much more aware of things around me where I can take action.

For example, I have sensed God leading me to pursue training in helping those who have gone through sexual abuse or assault. Sexual assault is a big problem in Japan, and I have sensed that God is leading me to get more training in this area so that I can be more helpful in Japan. My struggle with the question of my lethargy has made me quicker to respond to this sensed nudge of God.

Today I was reading Eugene Peterson's book, "A Long Obedience in the Same Direction." The chapter I read this week was on the topic of perseverance. He quotes another author:

Patience is drawing on underlying forces; it is powerfully positive, though to a natural view it looks like just sitting it out. How would I persist against positive eroding forces if I were not drawing on invisible forces? And patience has a positive tonic effect on others; because of the presence of the patient person, they revive and go on, as if he were the gyroscope of the ship providing a stable ground. But the patient person himself does not enjoy it. - Paul Goodman

So, am I patient or lethargic? For today, I feel challenged to be quick and adventurous in following even the quiet nudgings of God. But, I also can find comfort in knowing that I am also displaying patience by not running out to MAKE things happen. I am waiting on God in a way that reflects holy living if I am active in watching and taking the steps He lays out before me. And my patience will be a place of peace and encouragement for others as they face things they too must wait on.

A God-centered Future - More

2008-09-07T10:05:00.000-07:00

I just finished speaking at our Sat night service on the topic of having a God-centered future. As I spent time reading today, God led me to another application.

When you feel like you have found the areas in which you flourish...

Deuteronomy 8:6-20

6 Observe the commands of the LORD your God, walking in his ways and revering him. 7 For the LORD your God is bringing you into a good land—a land with streams and pools of water, with springs flowing in the valleys and hills; 8 a land with wheat and barley, vines and fig trees, pomegranates, olive oil and honey; 9 a land where bread will not be scarce and you will lack nothing; a land where the rocks are iron and you can dig copper out of the hills.

10 When you have eaten and are satisfied, praise the LORD your God for the good land he has given you. 11 Be careful that you do not forget the LORD your God, failing to observe his commands, his laws and his decrees that I am giving you this day. 12 Otherwise, when you eat and are satisfied, when you build fine houses and settle down, 13 and when your herds and flocks grow large and your silver and gold increase and all you have is multiplied, 14 then your heart will become proud and you will forget the LORD your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery. 15 He led you through the vast and dreadful desert, that thirsty and waterless land, with its venomous snakes and scorpions. He brought you water out of hard rock. 16 He gave you manna to eat in the desert, something your fathers had never known, to humble and to test you so that in the end it might go well with you. 17 You may say to yourself, "My power and the strength of my hands have produced this wealth for me." 18 But remember the LORD your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth, and so confirms his covenant, which he swore to your forefathers, as it is today.

19 If you ever forget the LORD your God and follow other gods and worship and bow down to them, I testify against you today that you will surely be destroyed. 20 Like the nations the LORD destroyed before you, so you will be destroyed for not obeying the LORD your God.

National News from Japan - 7 killed

2008-06-09T11:16:00.000-07:00

7 killed, 10 injured in Akihabara stabbing spree Seven people die and 10 others are injured after a man plows into pedestrians with a truck and goes on a rampage with a survival knife on the busy streets of Tokyo's Akihabara district.

Akihabara is a section of Tokyo where we spent several days last week. It is the "Electronic Town," where there are over 200 stores selling computers, cameras, cell phones and other electronics. It has a reputation of drawing unusual people, partly because of the electronics and partly because of the many businesses that provide female entertainment.

Thriving in the Land

2008-05-19T19:55:00.000-07:00

As I was driving to my retreat last week, I started scanning through radio stations. I skimmed by a Christian station and heard a guy talking about the book of Joshua in the Bible. I had been pondering what to read during my retreat, but hadn't made a decision yet. I often like to pick a book of the Bible to read in full. After eventually finding NPR on the dial, I sat back and decided that Joshua would be a great book for me to read during my retreat.

After settling into my cabin, I cracked open the book of Joshua. It has actually been quite a long time since I have read Joshua. I couldn't remember all of what it was about. But God caught my attention within the very first verses.

- - - - -

You see, as the possibility of being in Japan fulltime grows, my anxieties grow too. Last summer, I started thinking about life in Japan and began to grieve the things I would be leaving behind.

Take, for example, running. When I go running in Japan, I run for about a quarter of a mile and then I have to stop for a train crossing. And, so I wait. Then I go another quarter of a mile, and there is a long stop light with loads of traffic. So I wait again. This goes on for about 3 miles. During those runs in Japan, I began to appreciate Illinois where I can run for miles without any long stops for lights (and certainly not for trains). I am starting to see the tangible things I will give up by following God's call to Japan.

So looking broader than running, I can also fear that my ministry will not thrive in Japan. In a country where barely anyone is a Christian, I worry that I am not a thriving evangelist. One of my most significant giftings is in helping young Christians become fully committed believers. And while I can imagine the value of my giftings in Japan, I keep having all these anxieties that I'm not going to thrive there in ministry.

I have anxiety about being a woman in Japan and therefore not having many leadership opportunities. I worry that I will encounter shame when I am not capable of keeping the crazy, fast-paced lifestyle typical of Japan. I worry that I will not gel with our team.

I just worry that I will not thrive there.

- - - - - -

The context of Joshua is that the Israelites have been waiting 'forever' for the Promised Land. And in Chapter 1, the wait is finally over. God tells Joshua, "Now then, you and all these people, get ready to cross the Jordan River into the land I am about to give to them - to the Israelites."
This verse made me think about how long I have been waiting to be in Japan as a missionary, and how it is very possible that the day is approaching where God is about to make it so. Soon, I could actually be there year-round. It is encouraging to think about God finally fulfilling a calling I have felt for many years. Even with all my anxieties, Japan still feels for me a bit like the Promised Land. Being there would be a confirmation of a long sense of calling from God.

Reading on in Joshua, God tells Joshua, "As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you." Reading this, I felt encouraged to remember that no matter what land I am in, God will not forsake me. He will help me thrive wherever I am. That's the kind of God He is. Because of being a woman, I may not be able to use some of the giftings I have developed in the US, but He is capable of providing new giftings. He is not uncaring of my desire to thrive.

"Be strong and courageous." That's definitely what I need to hear. It is easy to see all the discomfort of leaving what is familiar here. It is easy to be fearful. It is easy not to be hope-filled. But, I think the reminder to "be strong and courageous" is really helpful. It re-centers my trust and my hope. I am not strong and courageous because I can see all that is to come (and that it's great), my courage comes from knowing that God does not forsake.

Lastly, God brought back a recurring theme of my recent reading. "Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go." I have been meditating recently on the importance of obedience. When relationships are stressful (like they are sometimes with our team when we're in Japan) it is easy to be drawn into anger or bitterness or contempt. It can be easy to choose to snap at people rather than to be humble. This verse reminded me that I need to always stay true to God's teaching no matter what trials I face.

I cannot know where God is leading me, but I can trust that He desires for me to thrive. And though I do not know what path God has drawn ahead, I know that I must stay focused on living in the ways He has taught.

"Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."

And I pray that God will use us to "take the land" of Japan for Himself.

Silence is Sweet

2008-05-16T21:11:00.000-07:00

I just returned from a short trip to Southern Illinois. Shawnee National Forest is the best hiking in Illinois, and it's only about 4 hours south of Champaign. Colorado is definitely my favorite place to go for R&R, but when time and money are low, Shawnee is a great substitute.

Once, while I was traveling to Shawnee, I ran across an ad for the Olde Squat Inn. I ended up staying there about 3 years ago and decided to visit again. They have great rustic cabins in the middle of nowhere . And if there's anywhere I like to be while on vacation, it is nowhere.*

It is a powerful thing when your laptop is at home, and when the 14 in. TV in the cabin has only rabbit ears with aluminum foil wrapped around the tips. I was the only guest that night on this large property. It was complete silence, except for the very loud bugs. It is amazing how loud bugs and animals are. We just never notice because the things around us are louder than nature. And, I walked out the door around 10pm to see the stars (which were entirely covered by clouds) and got freaked out by the fact that I was staring into complete darkness. There was no light.

I was not sure if I would get terribly bored during this trip. Sometimes I do get kinda antsy at the absence of things to do. But the absence of things to do is what always forces me toward spending time reading the Bible and praying.

On the drive there, I overheard a radio preacher talking about the book of Joshua. I thought to myself, "I haven't read the book of Joshua recently, and those books named after people are usually more interesting than the ones named after something else" (Disclaimer: Yes pastor, I do firmly believe the whole Bible is important for edification). So I spent some time reading through the book of Joshua.

It turned out to be an incredibly relevant book for my upcoming trip to Japan... to be cont'd.

*The first pic is the cabin I stayed in. The second pic is of the wrap-around porch. The third large pic is the view from the front porch.

God's Empty Response

2008-05-07T08:25:00.001-07:00

I have always had such a great need for relationships that are attentive. I long for people who will listen and hear how I am doing in a focused way. I look for relationships where I feel extremely safe to be real with how I am doing. The person doesn't have to know the answers, though often it is very helpful to receive guidance for working through difficulties that I cannot see how to withstand.

And so I have days where I ask God to be this person. Today was one of those days. I turned to a scripture that was in my daily devotional guide.

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened."

After reading this, I found myself discouraged. Reading this verse felt like God was providing an empty response (if it could be considered a response at all). I AM asking, seeking and knocking . This scripture isn't a response to my knocking, it's a reminder to ask, seek and knock. Why can't God just offer a scripture that helps me find His care instead of offering a scripture that feels redundant of what I am already doing?

I am convinced that empty times spent in the Bible and in prayer are a leading cause of people not doing these activities. And it is understandable. Nobody wants to talk to someone who is not really there. What is attractive about a Father that is unresponsive? And it is hard not to feel that God is unresponsive when you open the Bible, desperate to experience God, and walk away not feeling like God really showed up.

I find it just sad and empty to seek and not find.

But, it is helpful to think that when I come to read the Bible and to pray, I have somehow already believed that God is present. My asking and knocking are accomplished by my reading and my prayer. God is, in fact, present. And even when I complain, I am experiencing the presence of God, because He is there hearing. I can rejoice that there is someone to come to.

If I come to the end of a time of prayer and reading, it can be comforting if I can connect with the fact that God has been there with me even in my frustration. His response may seem incredibly unclear, but He has been present. He has opened the door. He is attentive. And His attention is full of sincere love.

*Image is a drawing by myself in colored pencil entitled, "Confusion," representing a searching for God that seems desperately difficult.

Wishing It Was Over

2008-04-27T12:07:00.001-07:00

In under a month, I will be venturing back to Japan for a two-week mission trip. This will be my fifth visit.

I am always wishing for things to be over. I experience a lot of anxiety and dread toward nearly everything except a day off.

Last night I gave a talk about "Dependence on God," and I'm so relieved it's over. The semester ends in two weeks, and I'm so glad it's almost over. I leave for Japan in 3 weeks, and to some extent, I can't wait for it to be over. I'm always anxious for stressful things to be over, even before they start.

It is something I am praying about. I don't want to live my life from stress to stress. I don't want to be seeing only the future negative while totally unable to envision the future positive.

But perhaps, in a way, I am living a courageous life. I am choosing to live a life full of meaning despite a strong desire to get a cabin in the woods that I occasionally venture out from. The uncertainty that brings me stress has not kept me from leading an adventurous life.

So, when I look at my life, I'm glad that I take some chances. I'm glad, to some extent, that my life is stressful. Because if it were not stressful, it would mean I am not stretching myself. I would be living a life that was peaceful but not abundant.

I still pray that God will change the degree to which I see the landmines rather than the meadows that lie ahead.

During our 2007 mission trip to Japan we did a project where we held up a sign at a large Tokyo subway station saying, "5 min free English." I dreaded the idea. It was horribly embarrassing as people walked by either staring at us or smiling slightly. These are some students that stopped by to talk to us.

Depending on the Invisible Means...?

2008-04-27T11:40:00.000-07:00

We are fighting a battle of faith in which the most important hero is not visible and often feels distant.

That's what's so confusing to the disciples (John 14).

Jesus: When everything is ready, I will come and get you, so that you will always be with me where I am. And you know the way to where I am going.

Disciples: “No, we don’t know, Lord,” Thomas said. “We have no idea where you are going, so how can we know the way?”

They don't understand how they're supposed to be a disciple of Christ, "a follower," when they don't know where He's going.

But the disciples do follow Him, because somewhere along the way they realize who He was. At some point they understand that He is still with them. They believe it to the point of giving their lives for His good news.

For Mother Teresa and for the disciples, how do we know they depended on God?

Mother Teresa struggled with such deep doubt. Would you say that Mother Teresa lived a life dependent on God? I would. Mother Teresa came to believe that the suffering and darkness she was experiencing was not from a lack of faith, but in fact, God Himself withholding His love. Her dependence on God was shown in the degree to which she continued to live a life focused on God. She served the poor with compassion and faithfulness. She never stopped seeking God, though she felt that God had stopped seeking her. Perhaps dependence looks less like cheerfulness, and more like daily obedience and faithfulness.

For the disciples, can we say that they depended on God? I would say so. Despite their feelings of abandonment, they were eventually able to trust that the victory Christ spoke of was not political but spiritual. Their lives were poured out - to the point of death - in making His message known. Their actions and their obedience revealed their dependence on God.

I think most of us struggle to connect to God. Because He is not physically present to us, we can easily doubt His involvement in our lives. I believe we all have places in our lives where we feel like God reached into our lives and showed He was present and that He cared. These are the times that sustain us when we feel like we're surrounded by spiritual darkness.

I believe that the true test of our dependence is not our current sense of closeness to God, but rather the trust that God has built with us over the course of our lives. And as we live in that trust, we are clinging to Him and acting as He would act. That's dependence.

For me, this seems to be the model of people I admire most for their dependence on God - people who live through fire but are steadfast in their commitment to Christ.

Artwork by Maartje Roest

The Most Important Hero is Invisible

2008-04-27T11:18:00.000-07:00

Recently I gave a talk on the topic of Dependence on God. There are so many directions you can take with such a topic.

Because the talk was part of a series intended to tell a real-person story to communicate the concept, the story of Mother Teresa was able to guide the direction I took.

Mother Teresa lived a life of spiritual darkness for over 40 yrs, from the time she started her mission work in Calcutta till the last days of her life. It is remarkable how deep her suffering was. In one letter, written as a prayer, she wrote, "

I call, I cling, I want – and there is no One to answer – no One on Whom I can cling – no, No One. – Alone. The darkness is so dark - and I am alone. – Unwanted, forsaken. – the loneliness of the heart that wants love is unbearable. – Where is my faith?

It is odd to think of Mother Teresa struggling so deeply with her faith. She lived such an incredible life of devotion to Christ.

The story of Jesus' disciples in John 16 is related. In this passage, Jesus is preparing the disciples for his "leaving," meaning his death on the cross. The disciples are confused by what he is saying, and they are experiencing deep grief. They have put there hope in this remarkable man who heals people right in front of their eyes. And they have begun to feel the remarkable love He has for them.

But Jesus is leaving. He is seemingly abandoning them. They had no concept of a relationship with Christ that happened when He was not physically with them. This is a commonly understood concept now, but it is not clear that it would have made any sense to them.

For Mother Teresa, her soul could not see God. For the disciples, their eyes would no longer see Jesus.

Their stories are not so far from us. One of the greatest struggles of dependence is that we cannot see Him, and we cannot feel Him. We are fighting a battle of faith in which the most important hero is not visible and often feels distant.

To be continued...

Am I selfish in my relationship with God?

2008-04-06T09:41:00.001-07:00

A friend recently told me that they felt I was selfish in our relationship. And upon considering the idea more deeply, it is altogether possible. I have a very strong desire to receive comfort, nurturing, and a listening heart from others. All of these are good, but it can become easy to desire these to such a depth that it leads to neglect of the other person. It may not be conscious, but it can be problematic. It can lead to an ending of relationships because I decide that the person does not meet these needs. I'm not sure that this is always wrong, but it is worth considering the weakness in this way of living.

How does this play out in our relationship with God? In relationships where we receive mentoring or parenting, we have an expectation that the nurturing and caring will primarily be given to us, and not necessarily met equally by us to that person. So it can become with God. We see God as primarily fulfilling our needs and desiring to, but we easily miss the value of us seeking to meet the needs of God. How much of my prayer is focused on my own needs? Again, it is hard to say in what measure this is unhealthy, but it seems worth considering the weaknesses of this way of thinking about my relationship with God.

I have for many months now been reading through the life story of David. I have been tracing his story throughout the whole Bible. We read a lot of his story in II Samuel, but I also wanted to look at what is said of him in later parts of the Bible. How much information can we gather about this man who was so highly esteemed by God?

In my studies of David, I have been struck by his intense character. And yet, he makes some very severe mistakes in his following of God. One of these instances is at the very end of his life. In II Sam 24, David commits some type of sin when he calls for a census of the fighting men in his kingdom (perhaps severe pride). Later, as he is struck with conviction, he repents and accepts the punishment that God has declared. After the effect of this punishment becomes devastating to the Israelites, David goes to build an altar to God to ask for His mercy.

When he comes to the place where he is to build the altar, a man who owns the land offers to give him for free all he would need - the land itself, the wood and even the animals for sacrifice. David rejects this offer saying, "No I insist on paying you for it. I will not sacrifice to the Lord my God burnt offerings that cost me nothing." Here David exhibits a character quality that I found throughout my reading of his life. There is something about David's spirit that is not self-centered toward God. He is recognizing a truly mutual giving between he and God; often it shows in the form of David offering respect. In this case, that respect was in David GIVING GOD in a way that COST DAVID.

So, I come back to myself. I want to be more aware of ways in which I can respond back to God and offer honor and care to Him. I am praying today that God will make me more aware of responding to Him with care that is like what He gives me. Hopefully this will happen over the course of time so that it is not too painful. It sounds unattractive to give up my desire for the relationship to be primarily about my needs, but I pray God will show me that it is a far more attractive way to live.

I yearn for God with Mother Teresa

2008-03-30T10:19:00.000-07:00

I am currently preparing to speak to our church about the topic of dependence on God. I want to use the story of Mother Teresa as a way to flow into the topic. I have just finished the biography that revealed her 50-yr struggle with spiritual darkness.

Mother Teresa struggled with such an intense darkness. But her life did not begin that way. In fact, it was quite the opposite. As an early nun, she had incredible communion with God, even to the point of claiming that God had spoken aloud to her. It is not surprising to me that she would have incredible communion with God and even that God spoke to her audibly. Early in her life she told God, "I will deny you nothing." The God I know is a God who would reward such trust and such devotion.

You can imagine the pain of having a period of such deep connection with God and then having it disappear for so long. Yet, she stayed reliant on God despite the darkness. She could still see God through the immense impact of the ministry He had called her to in Calcutta and beyond.

I myself yearn so deeply for God. Every moment of my life when I have felt a deep connect with God has left me knowing that He is the one who knows how to love me fully. The difficulty is that I do not experience those moments of connection on a daily basis. And sometimes I find myself ill for need of love and comfort. Today is one of those days. And I pray that God will fulfill that need today. It is unclear yet if He will.

It is interesting, though, that as I sought Him today I sensed His heart for the people in my life. I read in Matthew 5:13-16, "Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise Your Father in heaven." In the past weeks, God has exploded my opportunities to impact people around me who do not know Him. Today He reminded me to be diligent with these people, not to be unaware of His desire for them to know Him.

Here at the end of the semester, I am becoming a little fatigued and anxious for summer break. And yet, now is the time when God has opened the widest door for ministry. God's call to diligence is a welcomed reminder.

There are so many ways in which I have been encouraged by the story of Mother Teresa's struggle with darkness. One of those ways is the evidence of God's presence that she saw in the lives around her that were being transformed. She never saw herself as responsible for the work, but knew God was near because of what He was accomplishing through the work He had given her to do.

I hope today that I will find God's comfort and presence in His reminder not to forget the lives He has asked me to shine for.

Photo by Bettmann / Corbis found on www.time.com

God is Brewing

2008-02-24T14:51:00.000-08:00

I had an interesting thought this morning while making my favorite cup of coffee. I drink a blend called "Dancing Goats," and while it was brewing I remembered the legend from which the coffee was named:

The Legend of the Dancing Goats®

Coffee was first discovered in what is now called Ethiopia. According to legend, the area's remote highlands were home to a goatherd named Kaldi. One day he noticed his goats dancing and prancing after eating the small, red fruit of a nearby shrub. Not wishing to be left out of the fun, Kaldi ate the coffee cherries and soon he was dancing with his goats! (see www.dancinggoats.com)

Is it telling that God made coffee beans? Does it tell us anything about Him? Is there a beauty to be found in it?

God is the maker of all of creation. I have to believe that He had some intent when He made the coffee bean.

The creation of coffee gives me the impression that God wanted us to have special joyful experiences here on earth. In coffee, He created something that both tastes amazing and makes you somehow more happy. Something about this makes me appreciate God more and in a new way. It is one of God's gifts that point toward His sense of beauty, love of flavor, and joy of energy.

You may think I'm just giving another dramatic apologetic for coffee, but I am serious in saying that I discovered God more fully while making today's cup of joe.

Map of Japan

2007-05-21T15:04:00.000-07:00